You Look Like Shit

Next time I go to the movies, I will be keeping count.

Chris Rocks.

Word of the Moment: INTERESTION

From the tales of Online Dating, we have a new feature, Word of the Day. Today's word is INTERESTION. Here's an example:

WELL I CONSIDER MY SELF INTERESTION SO WHAT R U LOOKING FOR ONE TO CHAT WIT OR ONE TO MEET WITH

Also to be noted in today's lesson, the word myself can be written as two words and punctuation is a lifestyle choice. Don't judge.

Haiku of the Year

It's time to move it

It's time to move it, move it

It's time to move it!

Lyrics from some song I can't remember the name of.

What does the world need from me in 2011?

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Howard Thurman.

Someone in my old meditation group posed the question when considering what occupation she wanted to pursue. The discussion was loosely based on virtuous careers (if there is such a thing), and how to balance between living a peaceful life and existing in the real world. I'm struggling in my present job because it seems so unnecessary and redundant. Simply put, I find it boring. But then as I say to my son, "if you're bored, it's because you are the one who is boring." I need to find a new way to conceptualize my work.

So today, I stumble across this quote from Howard Thurman. I'd never heard of him before, which was a surprise to me. When I was growing up, my parents were determined to instill cultural awareness throughout our home. My mother made sure we never missed a Jet, Ebony, Right On! or Essence when I was growing up. My father made sure we had the Call & Post every Thursday, which is still today Ohio's leading black newspaper. I'm sure I read something of him, but it didn't stick. According to the always reliable Wikipedia, Mr. Thurman  was an influential American author, philosopher, theologian, educator and civil rights leader. I thought what does the world need was a big question. But now I think what makes me come alive is so much bigger and way more relevant.

Off the top of my head what makes me come alive is being creative. Being creative, thinking creatively, repairing or building, cooking, reading, learning are all things that make me feel engaged and plugged in. Recently, I've been really frustrated with the buildup of dog hair in the house. My vacuum didn't seem to be picking up all of the hair. I would find myself on my hands and knees with masking tape trying to remove the excess hair the vacuum just rolled right over. Considering the entire house except the kitchen and baths are carpeted, you can imagine how frustrated I was. Especially since my vacuum is a Bissell Animal Carpet Vac. I bought it for the express purpose of keeping my dog. It was really discouraging. That Dyson jerk kept popping up in my head, but I refuse to give him $500 dollars because he likes his balls.

Now with the holidays, I felt really ashamed to have folks come for a visit. I decided to take a look at the vacuum; broken belt, clogged filters, duh!! Off to the big blue box, spend $25 bucks, tinker, tinker, crack, fix...brand new-live vacuum!! Ta-da!! I was so happy, I vacuumed every inch of carpet I could find. I was genuinely proud of myself for doing what I should have done anyway. Very simple task, but it affected the quality of life in my home. Or maybe just in my mind. But to me it's the same difference. And the dog stays.

So now I figure I need to really focus on activities and projects that give me the same results. I think this is much more interesting than trying to save the world or finding what makes me happy. The vacuum really is irrelevant. Creativity is my fuel.

Make my funk the P-Funk.

If George Clinton and Bootsy Collins are the only names you know from Funkadelic, shame on you. Eddie Hazel's short-lived career must be televised. His guitar riffs are no joke; I could file this post under Are You Shittn' Me?

Check out this bio from Pandora. O.M.G.
From the Bottom of My Heart, California Dream'n and most of all, Maggot Brain are just sick (in a good way).

I hope to find the vinyl version of this. It's got to be a collector's piece. Reminds me of this.

Psycho-iTune of the Moment: Glory Box

I don't know about anyone else, but when I get a song in my head, I listen to it over and over and over again. It's like every time I hear it, I'm almost tempted to replay it again before the song is even over. Cannot get enough. Then suddenly, I'm off stalking another song.

My recent song stalking list:

• The Moon and The Sky - Sade
• Out of My Mind, Just In Time - Erykah Badu (I blogged about it here.)
• I Get So Lonely - Hidden Beach (instrumental version)

My new victim is Glory Box by Portishead. I've heard this song before, but for some reason it really grabbed me this time. I'm not big on electropop, but this song is more trip than electro. The lyrics are freaking amazing. I love what she does vocally. The tension is palpable and gravitating.

Hmmm, looking over my recent stalk list, I seem to think there's a theme afoot. It all goes back to The Moon and The Sky. More on this later.

Are U Shittn' Me? A Review of Al B. Sure's Honey I'm Home

Today we have a new blog feature, Are U Shittn' Me? This category will feature news, events, etc. I find unbelievable that people do, don't do, buy, don't buy, own, believe or recognize.

First up is my review on Al B's latest; Honey I'm Home. I also posted this review on Amazon.

I wish I knew how to really break down how powerful this CD is. I grew up on R&B, but lately, I've resented most entertainers who claim to represent this genre. The songwriting and musical arrangement has been too formulaic, too sophomoric, too ridiculous for serious consideration from me. That said, I am indeed a music snob. I'm one to read liner notes, take note of which performers actually write, produce and arrange their music. I'm not a musician at all, but I am an artist and I respect creativity and craft. Real craft.

That said, like a few of the other reviews, I can't decide which song is my favorite. I've been psycho-listening to this CD all day. It is that tight. First off, the instrumentation is wonderfully refreshing. I don't hear the typical arrangements; before the song begins my feet are tapping and my head is bobbing.

Now, getting to the lyrics. Just sheer romance, seduction, and humor. Al and the gang have put together some very, very clever songs that tell stories, not just verses and refrains. I don't know if there are videos out yet, but really when you hear these songs you can close your eyes and let Al's singing put the picture in your mind.

You can't call it R&B without some deep breathy whispers, seductive talking and a few woos here and there. Al manages to pull this off without being cheesy, overbearing or just plain eww. Can you whisper in a classy way? Al can. He sings effortlessly and meaningfully. I don't doubt that these songs mean something to him. I love the background harmonies, which are not always where you might expect them. He's really put together a package that ought to blow the charts up, but we know quality is not always recognized and respected by the masses. Hence, why I am writing this review. You will not regret the purchase of this CD.

Fragile is such a touching and poignant rendition to the Sting classic. He also covers Lady in My Life. Al makes these his own songs, full of admiration and passion.

The CD is love instruction 101. How to treat a lover, how to be a man, how to build a relationship, and what not to do to tear it down. Keep in mind, humor is all over this too. He doesn't take all this romance-y stuff to seriously, as evidenced in Top of Your Lungs (I'm right here!).

If you're looking for the club song, that would be Whatcha Got. I'll admit I un-checked this song on the playlist; but I'm a romantic purist and this just didn't do it for me. Don't let that stop you. This whole CD is perfect.

My best to Al B. Sure, Kyle West and Hidden Beach!

Comics say it best.

I found these images here. I love them. I feel like they were created just for me.

I wonder how can I get these as bumper stickers?

Blind in one eye, can't see out the other. or My last date.

Something occurred awhile back that made me stop and re-evaluate my dating checklist. I realized that at the age of 41, almost 42 in a few weeks, I need to add another category to my list, or at the very least, expand on #3)Active, healthy lifestyle.

This now needs to include Able-bodied, and able to have an active and healthy lifestyle (for a long time to come).

I've been a caregiver for most of my adult life for my parents. I've assisted my family in taking care of my grandparents, and I have two kids and a dog. I watched my mother and her two sisters devote huge amounts of time toward making their parents comfortable and well-cared for. So I don't say this lightly. I have no desire to care for a potential partner. None. Is that discriminatory? Yes, but it's my choice and I'm sticking to it.

Last year, I had a string of blind dates (who knew one would be literally blind) with men who had some kind of disability. Not an injury, not an illness but an out-and-out handicap. Now, granted we met through dating websites, but I prided myself on spending a good chunk of time weeding out the losers by talking extensively over the phone (even though I hate to), emailing back and forth, and chatting before I agree to meet in person. To me, that's the opportunity to let someone know about a physical impairment, particularly one such as, hmm, blindness or deafness? Is that really asking for too much?

I kid you not, this man was blind in one eye, and could not see out the other. He had one glass eye and the other one kept leaking. I don't know why I stayed for the whole date; I think I just had to see how it was going to end up. It was like watching an episode of Girlfriends, except I was in the show at the same time. I could totally see Joan trying to make the date work, even though they were having dinner at a sports bar, and her date couldn't see the screen. WTF.

But that isn't even the worst part. There are several. He proceeds to tell me he eats no vegetables. Ever. He also never drinks water. Ever. Unless it's Kool-aid. I noticed two men walking back and forth outside in front of the restaurant. They came in after a while and sat close, glancing over every once in a while. It took me a while to figure out they were with Stevie Wonder. Eventually one stands up to go to the bathroom and Stevie's sonar must have picked up on him. He calls him over and introduces me to his friend and the second one comes over too. They were Stevie's chauffeur and sidekick, though I don't know if those titles were official. They proceeded to tell Stevie how attractive I was, even though I'm still sitting there. This makes me wonder (haha) how much of me can Stevie see through the leaky eye. I ask cuz I figure that's not rude; one needs to know this. He says to me in a smarmy old man kind of way, "enough to know I like what I'm looking at." Oh really, are you sure? I think all he can see is a cuddly chocolate blur with locks. Not unlike Snuggle or a character from Fraggle Rock. I would have liked to see him pick me out of a lineup between the rejected mop from the Swiffer commercials and Whoopi Goldberg.

Why didn't he reveal this stupidity online? Oh, I know, because I didn't ask the right and specific question. Silly me. Are you a camel? The braille type they have on elevator buttons and ATMs; do you use that? It seems like the glass eye would leak, not the good one; why is that? Can't they plug it up?

When he learned I had attended a catholic high school, his next question to me was if I had kids by a white man. I don't know how or why that connection happened in his mind, or where he was going with it, or if I was even offended. It's hard to contemplate absurdity. I mean, if I said yes, would he have ended the date? How would he even know if my kids were mixed or not? Anyway, I was too busy trying not to be grossed out by the leaky eye. And the broken front tooth. Then I wondered if he knew the tooth was broken because it was on the side with the glass eye.

Now here comes more foolishness. He suggested we have a second date. At the movies. How close would we have to sit I wondered. When I close one eye for a long time, it hurts. Does it work that way with you? As I'm contemplating why I'm still there, and if he can pop out the glass eye and stick his finger up his nose and out the socket (I saw that once on a Japanese game show), he then asks if I would carry a purse for him to the movies. He explains how he cobbled a purse into a beer bag, so he could enjoy a six-pack while watching  sitting looking viewing being at the movies. Do women really do this for you, I ask. He says yea, why not? And then I realized, if I went to the movies with a blind date, on a blind date, I'd need a beer purse too.

Beer purse

They say you can't change bone structure

Dorry & Miley's mother

Am I right or what? Huh, huh??

Haiku of the moment.

I have to go with

the feeling that flows within

or else I'll dry up.

One Role Actors

I got this idea from theFrisky. They were on point about the stars who seem to only play themselves on the silverscreen; Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Matt McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, etc. Honestly, I don't know how some of these folks can call themselves actors. And while Michael Cera and Sandra Bullock have overstayed their welcome in the NerdCom and RomCon genres (dare I call them genres?), each can hold their own as talented actors. I have been in fanluv with Ryan Reynolds since this. I think we have yet to see his full-range, but he can play himself anyday. I can't wait to see him in this or this.

So theFrisky's list included actors who can actually act. If that's the premise, then you could add DeNiro, Washington and a few other big Hollywood ballers to that list. I contend however, that true One Rolers CAN'T act AND, they don't care.

Beckie's List of Awful/One Role Actors by Category

Wooden Actors or 

Geppetto's Best Work

1. Bokeem Woodbine. I don't know what Holly Hunter was thinking when she put in Saving Grace.

2. Jada Pinkett Smith. I want to like her. But she won't let me. Because she does stuff like this. I did like Wicked Wisdom...too bad it was a commercial flop.

Honorable Mention: Mechh-khi Phifer, Omar Epps, Dylan McDermott, Malcolm Jamal-Warner, Keanu Reaves and, no doubt, Kristen Stewart.

The Obvious or

One is How They Role

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Jessica Alba, Owen Wilson. I still don't know why JA is famous. What was she in?? I imagine that all of Katie's scripts are written in crayon on paper like this.

Women/Men like me...that's all I need

Allan Payne

Cameron Diaz

Megan Fox

Boris Kodjoe (I'm sorry, but y'all know it's true)

Hill Harper (he gets the Scooby Doo sound)

Ahh, I luv Scooby. I'm sure there will be updates to this post. I'll have to post something on actors Hollywood seems to be sleeping on later.

My new ride

Here's my new ride! A lovely red beach cruiser! Don't you just love those white walls! I picked this up from my beloved CL, along with another bike for the boy. Two new-to-us bikes for $100! The boy and I are planning to repaint his bike because the colors are too girly for him.

I don't know what bike design genius thought of making the spring pink, but he (it could only be a he) should be slapped. That shitty blue is bad enough.

I rode the cruiser to work today...and boy, is my fat out of shape! There is one small incline that felt like the Everest summit. I made it up most of the way, but fortunately an intersection and a red light kindly gave me an excuse to quit panting and rest a bit.

I need to adjust the handle bars and it could use a paint job, but right now, I'm happy with the cruiser the way it is! All it needs is a basket and some streamers!

The Witness is Excused.

Talk-show sensation RJ Stevens, a self-help guru dispensing his "Team of Me" philosophy to millions of adoring fans, is presently serving as PR Manager to one LBJ.

Formerly of ESPN and NBC, asshole sports reporter impersonator, Jim Gray, serves as the Frost to LBJ's Nixon. It is allegedly reported that J-schools all over the country are quickly developing courses for journalism students to learn how to ask nothing in 18 questions.

Cavs majority owner Dan Gilbert, broke out the crayolas to write this letter to his former king.

The children who were in attendance at The Debacle Decision, were given gift bags of VitaminWater and old Cavs jerseys. Several of the children thought they would be fed. They weren't.

Some of the advertising revenue was donated to the Boys & Girls Club of America. These funds will be used to develop educational programs to teach kids that quitting is really not that bad.

 

Women in Comedy (Part 1)

One of my all-time favorite comedians is Marsha Warfield. I always thought she was way funnier than most people gave her credit for. She strikes me as one of those people who is usually the smartest person in the room, and thoroughly bored with the rest of us. Most of her counterparts still haven't caught up to her IMO.

I'm taking auditing a class by the same name as this post (minus the part 1 part). The final project is to research and present on (insert title here). My focus is on black female stand-ups. That seems to be the toughest gig in comedy entertainment. I'd like to see a white man try to pull that off.

The instructor asked us to look for black female comics between 1950 and 1970. Don't say Moms Mabley! Here's what I turned up:

Shirley Hemphill
LaWanda Page
Marsha Warfield

Now before you say, "But Beck, Shirley was on 'What's Happening?' and LaWanda was on 'Sanford and Son.'" Well, you should know both ladies got their start in AND stayed with stand-up. LaWanda played clubs everywhere. Did you know she was heralded as the Black Queen of Comedy? Funny, I don't remember that being mentioned in this train wreck. She was also an exotic dancer...go 'head Aunt Esther!

I contacted several one comedian whose site I came across while surfing the net diligently conducting my research. Leighann Lord was kind enough to respond to my query, mentioning Moms, Marsha and Shirley. She also listed Roxie Roker and Marla Gibbs as comedic actresses. Now, to be honest, I wouldn't call myself a huge fan of the Jeffersons (I hated Lionel #2), or 227, but I did honor my membership as a card-carrying Black girl by watching those shows anyway. I just couldn't see Helen being attracted to Tom?! Eww. More on black comedic actresses later. My research focuses on the stand-up.

Happily, Ms. Warfield is still around. She's tweeting and FBing her butt off, in her quest for Queen of America. I hope she starts blogging, if she isn't already. Her writing is sharp, witty, correct and hilarious. Check this out here.

Note to Ms.Warfield: I'm such a fan of yours, I've gotten back together with Kofe. Albeit a FB-With-Benefits situation, so he doesn't try to overwhelm me with a bunch of poking and shoving and shitty computer games. This time, it's FB booty calls only.

If you know of any black female stand-up comics, between 1950 and 1970, please leave a comment. More to come on Women in Comedy! In the meantime, check out Marsha roasting Tommy Chong!

Beckie had a breakup.

Part of the reason I was away from blogging for so long, is that I was in a stifling, one-sided relationship. Now that I'm out, I can't even remember what the attraction was about. My significant other, let's call him Kofe Cabo, for anonymity, somehow managed to manipulate all my time, whether I was at work, home, socializing with friends (in real life), at the doctor's office or even in traffic.

It got to the point where Kofe could get a hold of me anywhere. I should have realized things were headed in a wrong direction, when he began suggesting friends to me. At first, I was really flattered and excited! How cool it was to get reacquainted with long lost friends! But then I realized, hey, I don't really like some of these people that much, and they probably don't really like me either. That's probably why we didn't stay in touch in the first place. I think we all just got in over our heads.

But each time I connected with one friend, I wanted another and another! Kofe made it so easy. He even introduced me to people I barely knew, and before I realized it, they became my friends too! I became really confused. I would click through photos of people I didn't even know, just because I could. I'd make comments to complete strangers...again, just because I could. It was weird. It was like being trapped in some weird elevator and pretending you know everyone inside. I read updates of people I would never talk to, not because I didn't like them, but I just didn't know them! Things really started to spiral downward when FB started getting physical. He would poke me for no reason at all.

He made it so easy for me to lose myself to old addictions. I could manage my flair habit in the 80s; back then everybody was into it, so no big deal, right?. But, Kofe showed me how to make it myself--I'd spend hours searching for and taking other people's flair or stealing images for my own. I'd find myself sitting in the dark, arranging flair on my corkboard. Thank God I never tried anything stronger like Farmville or Bubbletown.

It was when the power when out during a rainstorm that I knew I had a problem. The cable went out and my phone app didn't show all the updates. And I was jonesing...jonesing bad for an update. I drove like a bat out of hell to the library. What was everyone doing? I had to know, I just had to know!!

It was then I realized I had to quit and fast. Working all day in front of a computer, there would be no step-down, no Kofethadone. It was unplug and stay unplugged. Forever.

Four weeks Mr. Kofe Cabo and I'm never going back. Like I said before, I can't even remember what the attraction was about.

Today's mood is...

"I'm a recovering undercover over-lover
recovering from a love I can't get over...

...20 feet out of ashes I can rise
Just like birds and children
I can fly
And I'll take my phoenix flight
And you can't take mine..." 

Erykah Badu is a musical enigma. She satisfies and surprises me at every lyrical turn. She is both wise and arrogant beyond her years; and neither descriptive is meant as a compliment or an insult. These are the facts with Ms. Badu, as far as I'm concerned.

Merriman-Webster defines arrogance as,

"an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions."

She has skills and a talent for expression that is difficult for me to fully appreciate. I stretch and grow when I listen to her music. She's one of those artists like, Prince, Lee Daniels, Whoopi and a handful of others, who expects (or demands) full engagement as part of the artwork or knowledge gained. You cannot listen to or view a piece of work from any of the aforementioned and not have your soul stirred. They are the few who really seem to understand the effect they have AND have the dexterity, tenacity, and focus to manage it well.

I plan to post more about my thoughts on these and other artists and this truly unique talent in the coming weeks and months. In the meantime, if you have not heard this song, "Out My Mind, Just In Time"...please to enjoy.

"...Round and round I seem to go
always had the antidote
looking for the Holy Ghost
Found him in the missing note
sinking in a holy boat
Round and round
I seem to go...

...guess it's time to grab a coat
evolution time to grow
Ego trying to block the door
Might not have nowhere to go
I finally got a leading role
introducing super dope
Staring in her episode
Hello, new world
out my mind."

Arrangement by: Erykah Badu // Lyrics by: Erykah Badu//Inspired by Suheir Hammad's poem “WHAT I WILL”

Merry Trismus!

Happy Solstice! A few days ago...anyway. So, this being the six months before I have another birthday, it's time to account for my progress on a few goals o' mine.

1. Weight loss: I lost 15 lbs. over the Christmas holiday! Unfortunately, I found most of them again this spring.
2. Finances: I'm happy to report my finances are in order! The same order they were when I dumped all my bills in a laundry basket and tossed it in the back of my closet. 
3. Career: I am still gainfully employed. Today. Tomorrow's probably a lockdown too.
4. Children: My daughter is now older than my car. Fortunately I don't have a car note though. What I do have is a 16 year old mall rat. Not much difference there.
5. Friends & Family: I am surrounded by loving, caring people. Please send help.
6. Health: I recently broke a tooth and had a temporary crown put in. I now have trismus. It's nothing like Christmas. Nothing.at.all.

Beckie has a secret. Kinda ish...

mk, well you know about this site PostSecret? If you don't, click here, but remember to come back. Now for the rest of us who don't live under rocks, I have to say that while I like the concept, I just don't have the time to go get a postcard, redecorate it, write out the secret and mail the card. I really don't think my secrets are all the interesting...they sorta time-out, they're rather mundane compared to this.

But, if I had the time, an old Sears catalog, scissors and magic markers, here are some of the things I would send in:

• I saw you yesterday but I didn't speak to you. Your stupid wig scared me.
• I love watching you sleep. Why can't you be that quiet when you're awake? 
• I think all Asians who work at Asian restaurants own them. I don't think this about any other ethnicity. Am I the only one?
• I can wait for my kids to get old enough so I can get them drunk. I think that will be hilarious.

Beckie returns.

And we're back.
Didn't plan on taking such a long break from blogging, but my home laptop died i had to walk my dog i've been exercising and gaining weight i was sick and then I got better ring bills came and they are still here while the money ring ring does a drive-by every two weeks and do kids really have to eat so much i just bought those shoes they can't be too small what is that ringing am i the maid or the mother stop the ringing i can't tell i need a life not this one let's go out somewhere that's not too far or too crowded or too loud but not dull with a bar but not rowdy or pretentious with food fuck the diet and no i'm not here everything on the menu is fried yuck but not too expensive i'm sleepy get a movie i never watch the whole thing why i do have cable if i still rent movies cost alot and not that good enough for now it's late fees on library books i owe twenty bucks and didn't finish it is due tomorrow and i'm not close to done.

but i think i'm close enough.

Life: The way I see it..(in my mind).

Found: http://finelinedesign.tumblr.com/