Beckie is a thespian.

I spend alot of time comparing my childhood to my adult life. I think about the things I enjoyed doing as a kid or wanted to do. I hike, I ride my bike and I have learned how to swim. I also love to perform. I've always been in plays, church productions, skits, whatever you wanna call it. I the sixth grade, I wrote, directed and performed in a play about unionizing coal miners. In high school, I sang in the chorale (glee club), and in college I was in two productions; A Day of Absence and Home.

So in keeping with the practice of reconnecting with my youth, I responded to an ad in the local paper for actors & crew members needed for a local production. Initially, I was going to be the make-up person/PA/female understudy. I ended up playing one of the characters in the play. We were able to improv, and I think I did ok with it, considering that was my first time trying it. We were only able to pull off one production of it. I'm hoping we can do more with this next one.

I'm now doing a second play, where I am the mother of a young woman, who becomes a victim of domestic violence. This is a subject near and dear to my heart, as I am a survivor and witness of domestic violence. The curious thing in this case is I don't know the ending of the play. We will see how this goes...

I'm also preparing for NaNoWriMo 2009. Even though I signed up in 2007, I never even attempted writing anything. This year will be different. I don't know what story I'm going tell; I've had the idea of writing about a first-hand experience at an abortion clinic some years ago, but I really haven't fleshed that one out. Sometimes I think it's just too old of a story to tell, and I should start with something fresh. But it's really the first experience where I witnessed something truly amazing and thought this needs to be recreated and given some presence for others to respond to. Also, I don't know if I can do it justice.

Stay tuned...

Beckie has elbow room.

This is one of those obscure blog posts that will make sense to no one but myself. But hey, it's my blog.

Just found out there's a little more room here for me to do me. I can expand and grow and learn and build and do whatever I want cuz I just got me some more elbow room!

In reality, nothing has really changed for me in my daily life. But knowing there is no longer a need (psychologically) to limit or restrict or even punish myself and my actions because of what others might say, do or think, is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I could compare this with finally being left alone to work on a piece of art, without having someone peering over your shoulder, critiquing every brush stroke. Now I can create what I want, how I want. I can just be.

When I realized this was happening, this Schoolhouse Rock song, popped into my mind...gotta gotta get me some Elbow Room!!

Ahhh.

Why I love Penelope Trunk.

"Because if I am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I’m trying my hardest to be good and kind, then anything I’m doing is fine to tell people." Penelope Trunk


This woman tweeted about having a miscarriage...during a board meeting.

She shamelessly blogged about being frustrated with trying to get an abortion in Wisconsin.

Trunk researched and wrote about the correlation between higher-paid women and oral sex.

Penelope Trunk publicly wrote about her divorce.

This last statement is how I found her blog. I was going through a divorce and what I found out later was severe depression. I couldn't think at work. Some days I would come in and sit in my chair and do absolutely nothing. Not one thing. Not surfing the internet, painting my nails, or reading a book (which I've done before at work). I. did. nothing. I didn't even think. I couldn't concentrate enough to form a coherent thought. I knew this couldn't last. So being the school nerd I am, I looked up divorce and work online. Surely someone has experienced this same struggle. How does one navigate one's life while it's being examined, redefined, assessed and mutilated at the same time?

I found nothing that fit my needs. Oh, there's lots of stuff on divorce, the legal stuff, the custody stuff, the splitting up the stuff stuff. And there's way more information about depression. But that isn't what I wanted. I wanted work and divorce. I don't have a trust fund...I can't take a leave of absence. Eventually I found this. Hi Ms. Trunk...that's a weird name to choose.

The fact that I found something made a difference. I think I might have filed a piece of paper, or renamed a folder that day. Because she shared her experience, not with a few people, but for all, she provided me with something I needed. She didn't tell me what to do, how to do it, or how much to pay, all she did was say...me too. I know that too. And that's what I needed to move on. In a nutshell, what she writes is about knowing yourself; whether it's at work, at home, or on the farm. At that time in my life, I didn't know myself. I didn't have a clue whose body I was in. So that was where I began.

I'm not judging her tweets, posts or other comments. My opinion of her life doesn't matter. I'm not judging her. I'm glad she talks about her life at work and at home. I don't think she's wrong for doing it. Following her experience gives me food for thought about mine. It makes me think about what I might write about my own life at work. What issues do I dare reveal? If it's happening, why deny it? I agree with PT that keeping secrets is not a good thing.

I don't know that anything earth shattering would have happened had I not found her blog that day. I'm sure I would have pulled myself together, as I have and continue to do. But man oh man, I'm glad she did. I imagine someone else somewhere is appreciative for that tweet as well.

I'm doing my best to live an honest life, keep my eyes open, take responsibility for my actions, and be good and kind. I'm with you PT.

Obama Art

Instead of the traditional portrait of Jesus, with MLK and John Kennedy on either side, I've got a poster of Obama in my living room. It's a nice candid shot, with smaller clips of more Obama art surrounding it. I have more Obama art featured here.

I came across this article and thought this artist explains it way better than I ever could:

"People undervalue the potential impact of art: It's different from what a slogan or a normal political logo can do. It has more of a depth, more of a connection." Shepard Fairey

Some of the art is super-campy; but alot of it is good. I hung the poster because Obama inspires me; I feel like my vote does make a difference--the yes we can motto stays present in my mind. And it's that feeling I want to sustain; not to say prayers to it or rub his photo for good luck.

I also don't agree with everything he does and says. But I do respect the presidency. And this term, I also respect the man.

Now, where should I hang the giant fork and spoon?

behind those eyes

What's behind those eyes
I ask myself as I journey
into your space
I feel welcomed and safe
a place I've never been to
but seem to already know

I see beyond the visual
I see beyond the surface
it runs through me
and hits all my senses
and I know that's where I should be

What's behind those eyes
is a place for knowing
It's quiet and gentle
but don't stay long
the knowing can't sustain
the company

Behind those eyes
is a creature, curious and wounded
healing with nectar
from the root of truth
Yet the wound does not heal-
it does not heal
Because there is no wound
© 2009 beckie

Fall is...

Warm hugs and chocolate.
Tumbling in soft bright wild leaves
as we all fall down.