Recap My Life 2012

This is a list of my favorite/interesting/intriguing things I came across in 2012. I did this before in 2009.  And again in 2010. Apparently I found nothing interesting or intriguing in 2011.

Books:
1. Moral Combat: Black Atheists, Gender Politics and The Values Wars by Sikivu Hutchinson. I don't subscribe to identity politics any more, but that doesn't mean the politics of identity aren't real. This book is so dense I read and re-read and learn something new each and every time. I would love to take a class or hear a lecture from her.
2. Letters to a Young Contrarian by Christopher Hitchens. 
3. Politics of Respectability by Rae Lewis-Thornton. She can't spell for shit, but that doesn't minimize her truth. She tells the truth.

Music:
1. Blunderbuss by Jack White. A most complete CD from beginning to end. 
2. Molotov Jukebox. I'm a huge Natalie Tena fan. Trying is still my favorite. I would rock that duck hat.

Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
1. Basketball Wives: LA. TeamDraya!
2. Love and Hip Hop: ATL

Colors:
1. Grey
2. Off-white
3. Cobalt blue

Drink:
1. Chardonnay...you still my sexy bitch.

Movies:
I don't often go to the movie theatre, but when I do, I bring my own candy. 
1. Finding Nemo in 3D
2. Snow On Tha Bluff...not for the faint of heart. Very compelling.

TV Shows:
Need I say...The Walking Muthafuckin' Dead! RIP T-Dog! TeamMichonne FTW!

Wish List:
I got the iPad and the iPhone this year. Now all I need the iWeightloss, iMoney and the iMan and I'm set.

Triumphs:
1. Gained custody of my father. He's now in a safe place with professional workers who can help him. People generally look down on nursing homes and on those of us whose parents are in nursing homes, but I know my father is being cared for by professionals who have come to know and understand his needs. 

2. My son moved out. This is a triumph because I was completely against it at first. I thought it was unfair and that my ex was taking away my son. I realized that I was the one being unfair to my son and to my ex. We talked through this process a great deal, involving my ex's gf as well. I will always be my son's mother; that was never in question. I realized what I really want is for my son to thrive and I had no reason to think it could only happen in my house. 

3. I quit Effexor.Ironically, I quit before all the above happened. Which makes me even more awesome than I realized!

Losses:
1. My spec. I'll never know why you did what you did. And I'll never have another friend like you. You were truly one of a kind and I miss you everyday. I'm still mad at you though. Asshole.

2. Christopher Hitchens. Although he died in 2011, the one-year anniversary of his death approaches as I write this. I am in awe of all that he did during his lifetime. I will continue to be a student and a fan of his writings. 

3. Stephen Covey. In another career, I was a certified facilitator of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I remember listening to one of Mr. Covey's videos where he interviews a soccer player discussing how an opponent intentionally injured him. I don't remember his exactly words, but it was to the effect of, "people are motivated to do what's in their own best interest at the time of action." My takeaway from that is that when someone acts out against you, it really doesn't matter if it was personal or not. It's what that individual felt compelled to do; rightly or wrongly. In another words, it just is. I think about that when someone does something that I can't understand or agree with. I realize I don't need to worry about their motivation. They did what they felt they had do. Knowing that, at least for me, helps me make sense of the world. It helps me to let go.

Goals:
See the 45 by 45 page. And stay tuned for the 30 Things in 30 Days.

Crafts:
I am one bad-ass knitter!

Autumn Lace Afghan

What's behind Dooor Number 7?

Day 7. I'm supposed to be ON today, that is, I am to take one 75 mg of effexor. I'm currently at work and I forgot my pill. I usually take them in the mornings. I have had zero brain zaps since Sunday afternoon (today is Tuesday), but I experienced just a dash of vertigo a few times this AM. Hmm, wonder if I should bother taking the pill at all. Planning to go to the gym this afternoon as well, which can't do anything but help me. Maybe I'll get a chance to ride my bike there.

One more thing...I so love my iPad that I bought another one! I'm giving the one I have to my daughter, now the college sophomore. She impressed me the other night when she asked to borrow the iPad. I assumed she was planning a marathon evening of Dooors (that was my plan). Instead, she downloaded an app that allowed her to take her class notes and convert them into virtual flashcards! Cool points for Ms. Weezy F! I also bought a home desktop suite and a laptop for my Honor Roll son; what happened to this kid? He's going to be jealous we have iPads, but I'll think he'll come to terms with having his very own laptop.

Alright, this one last thing. Dooors makes me think of doors obviously, which reminded me of Idris Elba and his story about the naming of his production company, Green Door. This is a bit NSFW because of the meaning behind the term green door (heehee). But Elba's British so it's not so bad.

Effexor Detox Day 6 Off

Yard work is my new antidepressant. I was out in the yard for about 3 hours yesterday. We've been having some great weather here in bipolar Northeast Ohio. Need a pick-me-up? Get yourself a chainsaw! I hacked down a bunch of shrubs and dead branches. I love knowing I can do this by myself. With the internet and a few borrowed tools, I'll have my yard looking like I want it to. And without spending hardly any money. The previous owner of my house apparently was a plant junkie. He planted all kinds of stuff --stuff I've never even heard of like rose of sharon or bleeding hearts. But he didn't thin or cultivate a thing--just dumped it in the ground and left it alone. So everything is messy and overgrown, but very hearty.  I had the best night of sleep in 6 days.

I've been reading medical forums for tips & tricks for getting off effexor. Here's a list of what I'm trying:

• Drink lots of water. Drink water until you feel like you're going to float away. One person suggested to make certain to drink ice cold water, although she didn't say why the water needed to be so cold. 

• Find something to do when the brain zaps hit. It's easy to lose focus on how bad you feel. It helps to do something that can distract you from the self-pity booby trap.

• Exercise. Walk. Ride a bike. This really helps with the mood swings. I also think it helps to not have such high expectations. I understand better what I'm putting my body through. So I don't feel bad that I'm crying for no reason when I see this.

• Take a supplement. A few folks were using other SSRI's or SNRI's to get off effexor. I didn't quite understand why a person would do that...the whole point for me is to get off a medicine that isn't helping me anyway. I assume there are other factors in play with this one. But considering there were quite a few recommendations to get a two week Prozac prescription to ride out the effexor detox, there must be something to it. My mom was taken off fluoxetine with no side effects at all. I just don't want another med. I guess I'll save this strategy for plan B. Several folks mentioned vitamin supplements and B complex. That's what I'm starting. I can't with fish oil. Yuck. Benadryl and Dramamine were also recommended to combat symptoms of mushy brain and vertigo. I have a mild case of each but the symptoms aren't strong enough to warrant any meds. 

• Dosing down. I'm on 75 mg, every other day. When I can string a few days together with little to no brain zaps, vertigo or sleeplessness, I'll start pilling or wet finger (gross name, but not doesn't involve actual willys). Both methods are the same thing. Since I'm too cheap to re-up my prescription down to 37.5, I'll open my capsules and "wet finger" or remove a few granules to reduce the number of milligrams.

• Write, talk, express yourself. For me, writing helps the best. I can take as much time as I need to figure out what I'm trying to say. I can also focus on how my body is feeling and identify what is causing it to feel a certain way.  Also knowing there are others who have similar experiences does help. I'm not the only one going through this, and there is help out there if I need it. Effexor detox is not something you want to keep to yourself. 

COPD & Effexor Are Assholes.

I am not a medical professional. I am only sharing my personal experience. Now that I have that out of the way, Effexor sucks! It's the worst medicine in the world! I would never recommend the drug to anyone. It should be off the market. Every professional I've seen has said how easy it is to get off this stuff. This blows. I have brain zaps--it literally feels like a mild electrical zap in my head. I can be in the middle of doing something, and completely blank out on what I was doing or saying. I cannot concentrate for long periods of time. What does help is physical labor and exercise. I spent most of the day working in the yard. I really enjoy yard work. But twice I forgot what I was trying to accomplish. Most people who aren't on medication might think that isn't a big deal, but I know the cause of my forgetfullness and it's name is venlafaxine. And he's an asshole.

 Going to see Mom tomorrow. She's in rehab; she was hospitalized on Mother's Day. We expect she'll be in for at least another week. I hope to buy her a new bed before she comes home. The COPD is in check but the exacerbation has aggravated the chronic heart failure. That's why her ankles are swollen. The doctor has upped her Lasix and that seems to help. She has gotten so used to being unhealthy that she doesn't know when she's in distress. You would think the rehab facility would provide some sort of wellness education but they don't. She says it seems like a medicare scam. The doctor on staff is going on vacation and there is no backup. When it's time for her to be discharged, she will not have been seen by a doctor. The upside of her stay is she gets showered daily and she loves the food. At home she can't lift her legs over the tub to get in the shower, even with a seat there. Since she lives in an apartment, we can't modify the tub. Assisted living is too expensive. Things are not going to get better; she's in a chronic state and the COPD is stage 4. I really don't know what the next move should be. COPD? Cee you next Tuesday.

Quitting Effexor: Day 3 Off

It must have taken an hour for me to wake up today. One of the side effects of quitting Effexor is vivid and bizarre dreaming. This morning I felt like I was coming off of some kind of hallucinogenic. In my dream, I couldn't tell if I was asleep or awake. I kept cycling through various strange scenes of thinking I was awake and watching a cat in my room (I despise cats); I was awake and at my childhood home taking a shower in the den (it's a real den and there is no shower); I was awake and my daughter was trying to calm me as she thought I was having a nightmare (I was but she wasn't with me); I was awake and
getting ready for work (I was still sleeping). In between this restless sleeping, I would wake up enough to reset the snooze button, but I could not stay awake for long. I felt drugged. If Inception had four layers, my dream had twice as many. I usually have strange dreams anyway, but I don't wake up disoriented and exhausted from them. I hate Effexor.

Today I am...

...completely distracted because my ipad was delivered when no one was home. My daughter returned from class 10 minutes after the attempted delivery. They didn't even leave a little note saying they had been there. I overpaid for it, but I cannot wait to play fruitninja all night long become even more productive posting to my almost dormant blog.

...excited the traps for my slacking boarders have been set. I've got two whistlepigs (groundhogs, woodchucks, varmits, non-rent paying bastards) burrowing in my shed and under my porch. The city provides live traps and will remove them IF the rat bastards (literally) go into the trap. Meanwhile, I've got to restock on mothballs and ammonia. I don't want to harm them, but they cannot stay. I pay rent. They don't. And they could hurt my dog if he gets one cornered. And he's trying really hard to do so.

I hope I don't turn into Carl.

...feeling pretty good even though I slept for about 5 minutes last night. I'm trying to come off  Effexor. I think I've been on it for at least 6 years. I can say it helps. But coming off is a BITCH! Doctors tell you to step down, but there's nothing they can do for the zaps you feel and that's the hardest part. The best thing to do is your own research by talking to others who have managed to stick it through.  This time I'm taking it every other day for a few weeks at 75 whatever those things are. I hope I can sleep tonight. I may work in the yard, so that might help me doze.

...still searching for a good homemade hummus recipe. I've tried one with tahini and one without; canned chickpeas and bagged; but still nothing matches the mouthgasm that happens when I eat this stuff.

...proud for how I've handled my situation with the Eye Are Ess. For so long I was so afraid and intimidated to contact them even though I knew I was making it worse by putting it off. At some point, a chick's gotta tit up, vag up, grow up and handle her business. Still have a long way to go, but I've got my big girl panties on!

...sorta glad my mom is staying in the rehab facility. She's got COPD, asthma, diabetes, CHF, and arthritis. She had an extreme exacerbation on Mother's Day and my daughter and I called 911. COPD is a behemoth of a disease.  If she didn't have that, she wouldn't have asthma or diabetes or CHF. It's the third most common chronic illness in women; of course cancer and heart disease have it beat. Right now the doctors have her breathing in check, without steroids, but her legs are super swollen; more than usual. Hopefully they will figure it out and she'll be home soon. Mom has been stage 4 for quite some time now.

...going to be distracted until that freaking ipad gets here. GRRR. I can't even set the delivery for pick up until the third attempt.

beckie