Fuck you Dementia.

*My apologies if this post sounds bleak. I don't mean for it to. I'm actually in good spirits considering. It helps just to be able to write about my dad and dying without hearing a bunch of useless though well-meaning platitudes. There are no words to console me. There just aren't. And I have to learn be ok with that.

via

I've heard so many people say, "when I get old, I don't want to be hooked up to machines. Just let me die." But rare is the case where an elderly person is wholly sustained via machines. What is more likely to happen is death in a more odious manner, whereby the body dies, cell by cell. There's no machine keeping you alive, rather some parts of your body dies and other parts don't. At least not right away, not for years. Such is my view of dementia, as my maternal grandfather died from it and my paternal grandmother likely did too. No one knows exactly what she died from, just that she was senile and in a mental facility and died at age 55.

He's stage six with vascular dementia. It's not pretty. Think of descending a ladder. Lowering a foot is like losing a cognitive ability, but once the foot is on a rung, everything is stable. For a while. Then something happens like a mini-stroke, or a fall or a hiccup or the next day, and it's down another rung. My dad's in a decline right now. He sees things that aren't there, he thinks things that aren't real. But in between there are flashes of normality. Don't blink because they are real easy to miss.

Yesterday we were watching the Cleveland Browns play football. Sometimes he can follow the game, and other times, he just stares at the tv. Most of the time, he nods off, and lately he's taken to leaning so far out of his wheelchair he almost falls out. Leaning back is uncomfortable he says. In mid-doze, he proclaims if the Browns had any kind of backfield, they wouldn't lose so much.

He's always so excited to see me. He was like that most of the time before dementia. Most of the time he wasn't drinking that is. When he was drinking, he hated everyone and everything. He wasn't very nice. Now he's so happy I took time to visit him, and maybe he could go with me when I leave unless they scheduled him to do more work, which they usually do. When is my mother coming for a visit he wants to know. I'd rather he was still drinking.

My dad doesn't sleep at night. At all. Dementia doesn't give a fuck about a bedtime. Dementia doesn't give a fuck about anything. Dementia roots out all control you ever thought you had about your bladder, your appetite, your ability to recognize a sock as a sock and not call it a door. Dementia kidnaps your dignity and hangs it upside down off the balcony. It doesn't want anything in return for it, because you're never getting it back. Dementia makes you shit yourself, but it doesn't stop there. It will make you unable to recognize shit for what it is; you think it's paint and wonder about that weird odor while strangers try to clean you up and you think they're the ones who threw paint on you so you fight them but you're so weak and frail you just end up making yourself tired and pissed off.

Dementia is a slow, tedious evil bitch. Dementia strips away your independence and does it without a machine. My dad could live for years still in this condition. I really hope he doesn't.

50 Questions, #2: Never trying, definitely worse.

Question 2 of 50 questions that will free your mind is, "Which is worse, failing or never trying?" I think the answer is never trying. I think about how much time I've spent daydreaming and fantasizing about how I wish things were and what I would do if I had this or that. What did that get me? A big fat pile of nothing.

But when I fail at stuff, I can say I actually did something. Of course it might bring up all kinds of other issues, but what I'm left with is the fact I tried. Since I've reactivated this blog, I definitely feel better about it. Having it sit dormant was really irking me. It felt like unfinished business.

Never trying is definitely the worst. As I'm drafting this post, I'm thinking about all the things I've tried and failed at. Most of them are funny. A few are heartbreaking, but also comforting in a way. I recognize those failings as mine and mine alone. The things I want to do that I've never tried, which isn't very many, just feel like dead weight. I got nothing for them. And that's a worse memory...to recall absolutely nothing.

Samuel Beckett

Recap My Life 2012

This is a list of my favorite/interesting/intriguing things I came across in 2012. I did this before in 2009.  And again in 2010. Apparently I found nothing interesting or intriguing in 2011.

Books:
1. Moral Combat: Black Atheists, Gender Politics and The Values Wars by Sikivu Hutchinson. I don't subscribe to identity politics any more, but that doesn't mean the politics of identity aren't real. This book is so dense I read and re-read and learn something new each and every time. I would love to take a class or hear a lecture from her.
2. Letters to a Young Contrarian by Christopher Hitchens. 
3. Politics of Respectability by Rae Lewis-Thornton. She can't spell for shit, but that doesn't minimize her truth. She tells the truth.

Music:
1. Blunderbuss by Jack White. A most complete CD from beginning to end. 
2. Molotov Jukebox. I'm a huge Natalie Tena fan. Trying is still my favorite. I would rock that duck hat.

Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
1. Basketball Wives: LA. TeamDraya!
2. Love and Hip Hop: ATL

Colors:
1. Grey
2. Off-white
3. Cobalt blue

Drink:
1. Chardonnay...you still my sexy bitch.

Movies:
I don't often go to the movie theatre, but when I do, I bring my own candy. 
1. Finding Nemo in 3D
2. Snow On Tha Bluff...not for the faint of heart. Very compelling.

TV Shows:
Need I say...The Walking Muthafuckin' Dead! RIP T-Dog! TeamMichonne FTW!

Wish List:
I got the iPad and the iPhone this year. Now all I need the iWeightloss, iMoney and the iMan and I'm set.

Triumphs:
1. Gained custody of my father. He's now in a safe place with professional workers who can help him. People generally look down on nursing homes and on those of us whose parents are in nursing homes, but I know my father is being cared for by professionals who have come to know and understand his needs. 

2. My son moved out. This is a triumph because I was completely against it at first. I thought it was unfair and that my ex was taking away my son. I realized that I was the one being unfair to my son and to my ex. We talked through this process a great deal, involving my ex's gf as well. I will always be my son's mother; that was never in question. I realized what I really want is for my son to thrive and I had no reason to think it could only happen in my house. 

3. I quit Effexor.Ironically, I quit before all the above happened. Which makes me even more awesome than I realized!

Losses:
1. My spec. I'll never know why you did what you did. And I'll never have another friend like you. You were truly one of a kind and I miss you everyday. I'm still mad at you though. Asshole.

2. Christopher Hitchens. Although he died in 2011, the one-year anniversary of his death approaches as I write this. I am in awe of all that he did during his lifetime. I will continue to be a student and a fan of his writings. 

3. Stephen Covey. In another career, I was a certified facilitator of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I remember listening to one of Mr. Covey's videos where he interviews a soccer player discussing how an opponent intentionally injured him. I don't remember his exactly words, but it was to the effect of, "people are motivated to do what's in their own best interest at the time of action." My takeaway from that is that when someone acts out against you, it really doesn't matter if it was personal or not. It's what that individual felt compelled to do; rightly or wrongly. In another words, it just is. I think about that when someone does something that I can't understand or agree with. I realize I don't need to worry about their motivation. They did what they felt they had do. Knowing that, at least for me, helps me make sense of the world. It helps me to let go.

Goals:
See the 45 by 45 page. And stay tuned for the 30 Things in 30 Days.

Crafts:
I am one bad-ass knitter!

Autumn Lace Afghan

#1 of 50 Questions: How old would I be if I didn't know how old I was?

If I didn’t know how old I was, I would say I was in my mid 30s. I don’t feel old enough or maybe a better expression is mature enough to say I’m 44. I think I’m still too silly to be in my 40s. I definitely know I’m an adult and not a teen; nor would I want to be that young ever again. It was miserable and I wouldn't trade places ever. Unfortunately, my body is saying it’s in it’s late 40s. I feel sore in places for no reason. Bending over can sometimes be a dangerous experience for lots of different reasons; are my panties showing? Why can’t I breathe? Ouch, my brain! WTF?

Sometimes I think with all my grey hair I’m older than 44. For about 5 minutes every month, I consider dying my hair. Then I remember I’m cosmetically lazy and would never be able to commit to maintaining a dye job. I pretend the grey is really an alternative radical color like blue or green and I’m really rocking out a shocking white streaks that few chicks can pull off.
I’m content with that delusion.

I spent my 30s lost in failing relationships, and my early 40s in recovery. Now is time to write a new chapter with a focus on myself and my true North. It is my hope to stay vital and vibrant for as long as I can.

Question source: 50 Questions that will free your mind

New Series: 50 Questions that will free your mind

Marc and Angel Hacklife is an inspiring and unique blog. First of all, they write lists! Not just surface junk; but stuff that really causes my mind to stretch. I could spend an entire evening contemplating my answers to their questions. I imagine attending a really chill and mellow dinner party with everyone sitting on over-sized cushions after a great meal discussing the their 5 Simple Truths or something like that. Of course these would have to be interesting people. Really really interesting people. 

I'm going to do this as a series of 50 posts each over the next couple of weeks. I think answering these questions will help my writing and help my focus. Although I'm typing this at work right now, so I guess it's not really helping with focusing on work. Yep, there's that.

I'm going to keep a running link list here as the series home post.

1. How old would I be if I didn’t know how old I was?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do I do so many things I don’t like and like so many things I don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will I have said more than I've done?
5. What is the one thing I'd most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make me rich?
7. Am I doing what I believe in, or am I settling for what I am doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would I live my life differently?
9. To what degree have I actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Am I more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. I'm having lunch with three people I respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of mine, not knowing she is my friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do I do?
12. If I could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would I break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have I ever seen insanity where I later saw creativity?
15. What’s something I know I do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make me happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have I not done that I really want to do?  What’s holding me back?
18. Am I holding onto something I need to let go of?
19. If I had to move to a state or country besides the one I currently live in, where would I move and why?
20. Do I push the elevator button more than once?  Do I really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would I rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why am I, me?
23. Have I been the kind of friend I want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near me?
25. What am I most grateful for?
26. Would I rather lose all of my old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has my greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do I remember that time 5 years ago when I were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
30. What is ny happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
31. At what time in my recent past have Ifelt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If I haven’t achieved it yet, what do I have to lose?
34. Have I ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like I just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If I just won a million dollars, would I quit your job?
38. Would I rather have less work to do, or more work I actually enjoy doing?
39. Do I feel like I've lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time I marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea I strongly believed in?
41. If I knew that everyone I know was going to die tomorrow, who would I visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what I know is right?
45. If I learn from my mistakes, why am I always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would I do differently if I knew nobody would judge me?
47. When was the last time I noticed the sound of my own breathing?
48. What do I love?  Have any of my recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will I remember what I did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Am I  making them for myself, or am I  letting others make them for me?

What's your favorite Christmas Song?

I'm doing an Instagram December Photo Challenge. You take a photo of whatever is on the list for that day. Day 3 was Favorite Christmas Song. I posted a screen shot of Prince's Another Lonely Christmas. It's a great song and it's a favorite, but not the favorite. I love all kinds of Christmas music, yes, even religious songs. No matter what I know to be true for me now, good memories are good memories and they're not to be discounted just because I've evolved in my beliefs.

One thing I like about Christmas songs is there are so many different versions of so many great songs. And sometimes it isn't the song itself that's so great, but the emotion and sentiment attached to the song. So watching the Roots, Jimmy Fallon, Mariah Carey and 4 cute kids sing All I Want For Christmas, made me all giggly and happy. Aww, snap...I feel a list coming on! LIST TIME! 

• I love the setting; a living room of a working class household with cheap decorations literally everywhere
• I love how they're all cramped together but totally fine with it
• I love the look of anticipation of the "xylophone stylist" at the beginning of the video
• I love Quest playing his hairbrush
• I love the ugly sweaters 
• I fucking love Mariah's shoes
• I love big girl's hat
• I love all the kids' expressions
• I love Fallon "turning off" the camera/tv at the end
• I LOVE ALL THE THINGS!!

December NaBloPoMo 2012

via tequilastar

This month's NaBloPoMo theme is WORK. Or as RuPaul says WERK. What is the difference?

Werk is defined by Urban Dictionary as,
1) To do something to an exceedingly excellent capacity.
2) A congratulatory declaration of support, praise or approval, for an outstanding achievement in any area of life.

Work is "Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result."

Hmm... I think I'd rather WERK than work. Easy choice right? But the hard part is figuring out how to apply werking principles to work; I WANT what I do to be exceedingly excellent. But everything I do isn't exceedingly excellent. Sometimes you just need the grunt WORK done to make way for the excellence WERK. More WERK and less WORK.

Writing all this gives me the idea to conduct what I'm now calling micro-interviews. I got the idea from this. I plan to contact via the innerwebs various celebrities, bloggers, et. al., and ask for their advice about whatever subject I'm interested in. I've done this before when I took a course titled Women in Comedy. I reached out to a few female comedians I follow on Twitter and FB. I only asked a couple of questions and just about everyone responded. That's actually another one of my unfinished projects; writing about women in comedy, particularly black women in stand-up comedy. I wrote a part 1 of a series that doesn't yet exist. I got replies from Erin Jackson, Marsha Warfield and Leighann Lord. The trick with micro-interviews is to keep the questions short and simple. Most people to love to give advice about what they do, especially if they're on social media. That's sort of what it's for, right?

So in my quest to insert more WERK in my WORK, I'm going to MI some fabulous folks for advice and see where that gets me. I'm curious who will respond and tell me something I can really use.

via Chad Sell

 

When I'm Bored. Or Habits of a Narcissist.

I'm a doodler. I doodle. Lately I've been doodling eyebrows. I'm trying to create my own caricature. Why? Because I don't have one, that's why. What, like when you doodle you solve the world's great mysteries? I bet what you doodle isn't even a thing.

I also like to make up new last names for myself. My last name is very simple, but sometimes people make it more complicated than what it really is. I have one of those last names that can also be a first name. For a boy. And often, people want to add an 's' to the end of it. That irritates me to no end. So I think if I had an even more simpler name, the world would be a better place.

So what kind of name? I think your last name should reflect who you are, not whose family you're from. And why do names have to be names? Why can't they be other things? So I started thinking about things I like, things I do, traits, talents and habits I have. I started with tv, movies...

Beckie Makeitwork

Beckie Dontburnnochicken
the Help was out and everybody was Facebook-ing about it

Beckie Fangbanger
I lust for Eric Northman!

Beckie Dontcry
Think The Other Guys


Then I started thinking of nicknames...singsongy names people call you when they're bored...

Beckie O'Beckie

Beckie Beck

Beckie Weckie

Beckito

Beckie Rockstar
My dog's last name is Rockstar. 

Then I started thinking what if I was a cartoon character in old Bugs Bunny cartoons...AND was a rapper...from the 80s...

Beckie Isonfire

Beckie Weighsaton

Beckie Bustacap

Beckie Boogiedown

Beckie Blowyourmind


If you could make up your own last name, what would it be?

Turkey Trot 2012

I ran this year's 5K on Thanksgiving. Well, by ran I mean I walked, jogged, trotted, and almost crawled for 3.2 miles. I did it though and I beat mostly all the walkers and all the really fat people. They posted the official times this week. Technically, I came in next to last. But that's just the benchmark. Next year my record will be much better.

It was a great day for a race too. The weather was just right; not too cold or too warm and the sun was bright. I wished I had taken photos. We ran right along the banks of the Cuyahoga River and with the multi-colored foliage and crisp air, the sights were picturesque. I'm not a bird watcher, but I will admit it was mildly interesting to see bluebirds and cardinals and a bunch of other birds around the riverbed. There were lots of families and groups of people running together. I should have expected it, but it caught me off guard. I think it's a great idea as a family tradition to do on Thanksgiving. I would love to do that with my family.

What I'm Watching

I have tried to deny this guilty pleasure but no more. There is simply too much good (to me) television to miss. If I could I'd give a juicy tongue kiss in the mouth to the inventor of DVR I would. I fucking love you man. I've grouped the shows I'm watching this fall '12 season in categories, because, well categories make lists even more awesome...duh! In no particular order are the best shows on TV right now.

Shows I Lurve To Watch

• The Walking Dead 
• Boardwalk Empire (Michael K. Williams is awesome!)
• Arrow
• Misfits (if you are not watching this series, you are losing in life!)
• Supernatural (FMK: Fuck Sammy, Marry Dean, Kill Demons)
• Grimm 
• Haven (clearly I have a thing for supernatural/science fiction)
• Happy Endings ("This one's for the buzz bank!" Jane)
• Homeland 
• Castle (I will watch every show Nathan Fillion is ever on. Browncoats unite!)
• Go On (surprisingly good!)
• Hot in Cleveland (required viewing, no?)
• Parks and Recreation (y'all know I love me some Ron Swanson!)
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (he has a gay robot skeleton...how can you NOT watch?)
• Elementary (the BBC version is WAAAAY better, but this is a good side piece show)
• Survivor: Phillippines (aren't they always in the Phillippines?)
• Project Runway
• The League (slowly slipping to Hate Watch)
• Person of Interest
• Saturday Night Live (I don't always love every episode, but I feel like I have to watch it anyway. My favorite episode this year has been Bruno Mars as host...turns out he was pretty funny. Daniel Craig sucked. I don't like The Californians or any Fred Armisen skit. I freaking love What's Up Wit' Dat, Stephon and now, Mokiki!)

Shows I Hate Watch

• Dexter
• Sons of Anarchy
• Suburgatory (first I hated this show, then I liked it, and now I hate it again)
• Scandal (Kerry Washington's cry face is hilarious, they talk way too fast and yell too much. Season's almost over? Dammit!)
• 30 Rock (just waiting for the series to end at this point)
• The Voice (as of this posting, I'm no longer watching since they sent De'Borah home)

Shows I Watch But I Don't Know Why

• Criminal Minds (I guess I have a thing for serial crime shows with gratuitous violence)
• L&O: SVU 
• Whitney (again, I don't know why)
• Blue Bloods
• The Mentalist
• MTV's The Challenge, Awkward., True Life, Catfish (shut up I know)
• The Good Wife 

Shows That Are Rachet But I Love Them Anyway

• Basketball Wives LA
• Divorce Court (Judge Toler be givin' some good advice y'all!)
• RHOA
• Bridezillas

NEW CATEGORY: Web Shows

• Rachetpiece Theatre 
• Awkward Black Girl
• Booth At The End (Hulu Series)

Did I miss anything? What are you watching? If you name a cooking show, your post will immediately self-destruct.

Restart: Hi! My Name Is...What?

33 Things I’ve Never Told You (or, How to Re-Introduce Yourself and Kick Your Watered-Down Self in the Ass)

Not my idea; I got it from the link above. Thinking about your true self; the one you know, but few others do, is a great way to re-energize and refocus your thinking about life. In some ways it's a confession of sorts. A purging of behavior you need to get past in order to move on. And it's a list. Y'all know I love me a good list.

Thinking of 33 things no one knows about me was really hard! I think I came up with some pretty good ones but some items on this list I have actually shared with one or two people before.

1. Several relationships in my life have ended badly. There are  just a couple of relationships  I regret losing. I didn't deliberately intend on ending those relationships, it just happened and I did nothing to stop it. I wished I would have handled things differently. Now, I have to use this experience to learn what not to do. But most of the relationships that ended badly should have ended sooner. I've spent a great deal of time trying to make relationships work--and I don't just mean romantic ones, I'm talking friendships too. It's a pattern I don't like; I want to learn how to make friends with honest people out of a true kinship rather than getting to someone well enough to realize I don't really like who they are on the inside. I'm focusing more on speaking my truth first and hoping to find like-minded folks with whom I can share some interesting conversations and experiences.

2. I enjoy drinking alot. I love love love Yellow Tail Chardonnay. It's buttery and fragrant and subtle and rolls deliciously down my throat. I wish it were good for me. Second to the Chard is Scotch...single malt. Not of that blended shit. I'll drink beer occasionally but I'd rather have an icy cold glass of YTC any day.

3. I pledged a sorority but I no longer claim it. While I don’t regret doing it;  I don’t care about it at all now. I’m a die-hard member of Generation X...I.DON’T.DO.GROUPS. Besides that, the organization itself, like just about every other organization, is full of shit.

4. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with my friends because I hate making social phone calls. In fact, I really don’t unless I have to. The only people I regularly telephone with are my children, and my mother, and that’s really because they make me. There’s something about talking on the phone that really annoys me and it has nothing to do with whomever I’m speaking with. In my mind, it’s the call itself that is the intrusion, not the person (I know this isn’t logical; but it’s what I think). It’s like saying, “stop what you’re doing right now and pay attention to me because I said so!” Phones are so uncomfortable now. It used to like second nature to curl up with the receiver because it just nestled so perfectly between your ear and your shoulder. I remember propping a stuffed animal on the other side of it so I could lay down and chat without holding the phone when I was in high school. But now there’s so little and flimsy; I almost dropped my cell phone in my coffee cup! You can barely cradle it on your shoulder without fear of dropping it or pressing all the buttons. I wasn't always like this; I used to talk up a storm on the phone when I was younger and knew less about myself than I did about other people. I also get incensed by rapid-fire calls one after another when the offending party is convinced you want know exactly what they’re doing at the exact moment they’re doing it. “Brrrg! I’m almost there. Brrrg! I’m coming down your street. Brrrg! I’m at your door.”

5. I really like myself. I would hang out with me if I met myself. I suppose being an only child has something to do with that statement. I’m used to my own company, and most often, I prefer it. I admit I have a hard time socializing. I don’t enjoy small talk. I don’t mean that in a snobby way, it’s more like I can’t do it. I can be very awkward socially at times, typically when I’ve convinced myself I have nothing in common with the people I’m around. But if I’m interested in the topic,or the person, or I’m tipsy, I can blather non-stop like most dorks do.

6. I’m more of a libertarian than a liberal. There are some issues I’m very conservative on as well. Which really just proves I’m libertarian at heart. Truthfully, I don’t subscribe to any political party, although I tend to vote democrat. I’m still waiting for the republican party to offer a viable candidate who isn’t bat-shit crazy. I definitely would vote for Ron Swanson.


7. I’m an atheist.  I was born and raised in church. I went to church almost as much as I went to school. I've read the bible. I've had hands laid on me (if you don't know what that is, don't worry about it, it isn't real anyway). I recall questioning the logic of faith as a child. Why would someone who loves me expect me to be loyal to them when I can't tell who, what or where they are? That's like a parent saying to a child, "I love you, now I'm going away. Raise yourself and peace out." 

Most of my family doesn’t know I’m atheist. My mother chooses to ignore it. I do still participate in family prayers. We stand in a circle and hold hands. I do this because I feel like it’s really just a wishful hug and it has the best intentions. And it makes family happy. But I don’t participate in church or sanctifying because, well, now, it’s just silly. My father used to make a big horrendous deal about saying grace before meals. He would refer to the “starving people in China” as to why we should be so thankful God gave us food. I would wonder, why didn’t God feed the Chinese? What did they do wrong? I remember asking him why don’t we send some food to China. I don’t remember his response, but I am sure it involved making sure I would never ask that question again. Right before I met my ex-husband, I began really questioning my beliefs. Then I met my ex-husband, and convinced myself sheep-life was better than exploring my own individuality. Obviously that didn't work out well.

8. I secretly wanted to be an actor when I was younger. And by younger I mean a day ago. But I don’t like people or starvation. So there’s that.

9. My wedding was a joke to most of the people who were in it. I had a blast on my wedding day. I loved my dress, I thought I was marrying the man of dreams and my future would be filled with rainbows and bubbles. Well maybe not bubbles, but I felt in my heart of hearts that God had sanctioned this marriage and every good thing would come from this union. I thought I had surrounded myself and my future husband with people who really cared about and believed in us. After we split up, my maid of honor told me the bridal party joked about betting on how long my marriage would last. I was shocked and then I seethed. I’m probably still at a low simmer. It’s been years since she told me this in a kind of “by the way” manner, but I resent the shit out of her and a few other bridal party members  for it and our relationships has never been the same since.

10. I've been married twice. At least I feel like I have been. I dated my daughter's father through high school and college. We broke up for a while and got back together a few years after college. Then I got pregnant. And then he lost his shit and flaked out on me. To this day, I don't know what really happened. At the time, we thought we were so in love. Now, I can't connect at all to that feeling I had for him.

11. Even though I feel like I've been married twice, my second heartbreak wasn't from my actual divorce. I think my ex and I were good friends who were just incompatible. It wasn't a heartbreak type of relationship. What bothered me most about my failed marriage was feeling like I lied to God; feeling like I broke a covenant. Marvin Gaye wrote a whole album about what happens to people when they lie to each other and to God. Listening to this album was my therapy when my daughter's father left.

12. I quit being a sports fan when Art Modell took the team to Baltimore. I didn't do this intentionally. I used to love to watch boxing, football, baseball, basketball...really all sports. I've watched billiards, strongmen competitions, competitive volleyball, and of course the Olympics. Being a daddy's girl, I watched what he watched. But a famous writer and activist whose name I can't remember advocated for everyone to quit supporting blood sports. I didn't know what that meant. He explained blood sports were any sort of contest involving or producing blood draw of the opponent. I haven't looked back since.

13. I have broken the law. In college, I shoplifted when I was pledging my sorority because we didn't have money to buy the things we needed. That was kind of thrilling to me. After college, I broke a pretty serious white collar law... I don't regret what I did. But I have never done it again and I won't.

14. I'm not the marrying type. I didn't like being married. I turned into someone else when I got married because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. I don't like doing things because they are expected of me. Considering I'm in the empty nest stage of life, I don't really see why I would ever get married again.

15. I judge people by their profession. Anyone involved in the mortgage business is a dick in my book. That extends to ministers, investment bankers, entertainment managers, magicians, and recruiters for MLM companies.

16. I cry instantly over dumb things. Like this Verizon commercial here. It gets me every time.

17. I have an inappropriate sense of humor. I'm the person in the movie theater who laughs at the sad parts. The Titanic scene with Rose floating on the door and Jack dying in the frigid icy water was hilarious to me. Someone really special to me died this year which is still devastating, but the circumstances were just plain stupid and I couldn't stop cracking joke after joke about it. I felt like if he were alive he would have found it funny too.

18. I'm extremely ticklish and jumpy. And if you tickle or startle me, I will hate you for life. My dad used to chase me around the house and tickle me until I cried. I hated it. I laugh of course, but that's a physical response...I abhor tickling. When my kids were little, I'd tickle them when they got on my nerves. It didn't bother them like it did me and we all had a laugh.

19. Don't touch my feet unless you know what you're doing. I'm not saying any more about this.

20. If I could reboot my life, I would not have married or had kids. My original plan was to be a lawyer of some kind and get a dog. But obviously it didn't turn out that way, and I'm happy with that. I don't think my plan was the best for me. My kids are tailor-made for a mother like me. I did get a dog though.

21. I dated several married men before I was married. I was dating 2 married men when I met my ex. He knew about them. One day he asked me why. I don't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was some smug self-righteous answer. He responded by shaking his head and saying one day you'll realize you're smarter than that. I suppose I did.

22. I have 50% bodyfat. That means there really is a skinny person inside me, literally dying to get out! I am working on this though, so this won't be true for long.

23. I waste alot of time. I am a procrasti-master. I blow chunks of time away like drone strikes. It's something I've always done ever since I was a kid. I really would like to change that habit but it's hard. Harder than losing weight.

24. I'm ABD. I quit my doctoral program 3/4 of the way through. I don't know if I'll ever finish, but I know I don't like feeling like a quitter. I'm pretty sure my time is up and I would have to start over, if they would even let me back in.

25. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. I've never looked at working or having a profession as being a true telling of who I am. Or who other people are. What you do doesn't define you, even if you want it to.

26. I'm a bird killer. I am terrified of birds. I don't know why and I didn't know that I was until this happened. I had an empty hanging flower basket on my balcony. I could never decide what type of flower I wanted to plant. I think it was a 4th of July evening when my daughter and I went out to light some sparklers, which was something we'd never done before. We were loud and happy and apparently startled a gigantic mama bird who was in the planter. She couldn't figure out how to get out from under the balcony and kept fluttering around inside with me and my daughter. We yelled for my son to open the bedroom window and we crawled through, not before I used my daughter as a bird shield and yelled my head off at my son to not open the balcony door. The next day I called maintenance to come remove the basket while I was at work. What I didn't know was that mama Pterodactyl had laid eggs inside. The maintenance worker took the basket and threw it in the woods. My daughter was home and watched him do it. She saw the eggs fly out and crack open upside the trees. The mama bird kept coming back to the balcony for days and days looking for her babies. It was heartbreaking and I really wish I hadn't been such a chicken (irony!) about it.

27. My teenage son lives with his dad and I'm ok with it. A year ago, my son told me he wanted to live with his dad, who resides in the next state over. I blew it off at first, but he kept asking me. He said he wanted to know what it was like living with his father. He wanted to learn "manly things". I told him to ask his dad and eventually his father and I spoke about it. I began to realize that if I really loved my son, then the best thing I could do for him, is to let him live with his dad. My goal for my children is for them to thrive. I had no real reason to say no to the move. My ex is a good person. We haven't always gotten along, but I know he loves his son. I know he loves his family. So I said I wouldn't stand in the way.  In the first few weeks, I felt very disoriented. I felt like I was forgetting something; I no longer had to remember to pick him up from school, no longer had to worry about feeding him, making sure his laundry was done or that I had plenty of refills of his asthma medication. But then I realized I had been given the thing that I've wanted for a long time; the freedom to do what I want. I don't know how long my son will live with his dad; this could be temporary or permanent. I know that he and his dad have hit a few bumpy patches. My ex is much more rigid and controlling than I am. But these are things we discussed extensively before and my son felt he could handle it. It's important that they work through this together and I want to support both of them. I'm enjoying this time even though I miss my son. I've realized I can be his mother and love him and love myself all at the same time.

28. The next best lesson I can think to teach my kids is how to die. Both my parents have chronic illnesses. They are going to die from them. My father has moderate dementia. He recognizes me but sometimes confuses me with my mother. The last time I saw him, he expected me to kiss him on the mouth.My dad has always been a hard person to love. He's an alcoholic. He's abusive. He was in a toxic relationship with a horrible woman for 15 years. He did not take care of himself. He alienated everyone around him. These are not lessons I want my children to learn. I've written about my mother's condition here. It's been almost 12 years since her diagnosis. She spent most of this summer in hospitals and rehabilitation centers. She has been doing better in recent wee, but she is mired in a state of depression that practically seems contagious. Dying can take alot of work. At times I feel resentful for the stress and agony and worry. I hope not to do that to my kids.

29. In my next life, I want to be a farmer. This Thanksgiving I purchased a turkey and a few vegetables from a local farm. The family had a couple of dogs roaming around checking out the shoppers. They lived close to the city, but not too close. Not only did they have turkeys, there were also chickens and a few hams. I don't know how many acres they had or how vast their farm is, but I really liked being there. I have no idea why I want to farm, if I'd be any good at it, but it's something I'd like the opportunity to try.

30. I have a superpower. I'm immune to pain. It happens all the time. I'm working around the house, I cut myself, bang my knee, burn my arm, and often I don't even realize it's happened until after the fact. Usually I know I've injured myself because I see it when it happens, but sometimes I don't always see it. Once I cut my hand while washing out a tin can. I saw the dishwater turn red and thought I didn't rinse out all the tomato paste. I ended up needing 4 stitches.

31. I want to live as long as my brain lives. By that I mean I don't want to be alive longer than I'm able to do anything about it. Watching my dad suffer with dementia is sheer torture. For him and for me. It's like he dies everyday. And every day I mourn his loss. And then the next day comes and we do it all over again. He can still feed himself, but that's it. He can't do a single thing for himself, he can't enjoy a sports game, he can't appreciate the changing foliage, he can't wipe his own butt. But most significantly, he can't make decisions. He only knows what time it is; he doesn't know his grandkids and thinks he's living at college in a work/study program. I don't want to experience that. I don't think it's fair for people to have to live that way. I don't plan to. I'll move to Oregon.

32. I would love the opportunity to sing in a band. I could be a wedding singer. Or a backup singer. I know I can't carry the melody, but I have a really good choir voice.

33. I don't like doing things I don't want to do. I know this makes me sound like a petulant brat, and I'll own that. Because that's exactly how I feel when it comes to stuff I hate to do. Like filling out forms, paying bills, returning library books on time. Uggh. Ron Swanson for President! This includes household chores, even some work assignments, family errands and other adult responsibilities that I find boring and uninteresting. I've got a ridiculous stack of mail on my desk now that's been staring at me for over a month. Fuck you mail, I'll get to you when I get to you!

BOW Chicka Wow Wow...2012

This fall I was able to participate in Ohio's Become An Outdoors Woman (BOW). I've been wanting to do this for the last two years, but either didn't have the money or time or both. This annual event is sponsored by the Ohio Department of Natural Resources and as the name says, provides women an opportunity to sample and experience a variety of outdoor activities. There are four sessions held over a weekend and the give you a wide selection. This was my first time attending and was able to get all the sessions I wanted. Plus I qualified for a first-time attendee scholarship. I took handgun basics, canning, backpacking and shotgun. Everything is hands on; each session is 4 hours so they cover the A to Z of every topic. Participating in the firearms classes prepares individuals for the hunting license exam.

We stayed in fully serviced cabins, galley style. It was weird sleeping in a large room with a bunch of grown women. The last time I bunked with that many people was about 4 years ago went I went with my son on his sixth grade camping trip. Most of the women looked to be on the plus side of 35 and a good number were over 45. I met several women who regularly attend this event every year.

Out of over 100 plus participants, only 2 including yours truly were black. If there were any Asians or Hispanics, I couldn't tell. I expected as much, but only 2? I may force my daughter to go with me in '13.

Next year I plan to take kayaking, fishing, rifling and maybe another handgun. I'm putting this event on my calendar every year!

Today I am...

...halfway through cleaning my room.

...content that I have enough Christmas decorations around and outside of the house.

...in need of an assistant. I hate opening mail and paying bills.

...excited to have a king-size bed. I feel like a real bona fide adult. And the box springs are on frames, not the floor!

...geeked about my Craigslist purchase this weekend! I got a Vitamix 5000 for $300! I know lots of folks rag on CL, but I love it! I've made some great purchases there.

...so glad my mother lets me vent to her about anything. Especially stuff she doesn't understand. The trade off is she tells me to pray about it. I feel like it's a fair deal.

...feeling some kind of way about everything. If you don't know what that means, then you understand exactly how I feel. About everything.

Decisions: What adults do that children don't.

I think I got this from Malcolm in the Middle. I don't remember which episode it was but Hal was trying to explain to Malcolm how hard it could be to have to make decisions all day long. That's what adults do. Kids don't. Right now, I would like to not be an adult because I'm tired of making decisions.

I keep going back and forth about this blog. Should I post or not, should I continue the blog; delete it or just abandon it? What's its purpose? Stream of consciousness, daily log, entertainment, philosophy, life lessons...what the fuck is the point of this?

Then I remember, I just want some space of my own to write. I don't care if I never get a comment, an ad link, or income from this, I just want a place to share my thoughts. And that is the key difference between journaling and blogging for me. I want to write publicly; as if I have to defend what I have to say--not that I really do, but I want the challenge. I want to continuously examine my thoughts and beliefs and attempt to defend them as if I were in a court of law. Writing is the only way I think I can truly unpack my head and sort out my life.

I keep coming across these moments where someone or something resonates with what I'm going through right now, with my evolution with the concept of faith and spirituality, aging parents, kids leaving the nest, my health and end of life. I want to weave these threads together, and create an accessible, flowing, complex tapestry reflective of a life evolved.

Here's the end of this post. But decidedly, not the end of this blog. I'm not convinced I should change or delete this blog just because my posts will be different. In truth, I don't know that they really will be all that different. But I do know they will be honest and brave; hopefully amusing, inspiring and funny. I write my blog for me. But I welcome those who want to join me on this journey.

Happy belated birthday Prince!

The world is finally catching up to me.

When I was seven, my father drove a Chevy Impala. It was a big wide brown ugly automobile. The seats were black and vinyl and very slippery. All the Velcro in the world couldn't keep a child strapped in safely. Not that safety was a big consideration back then. We had a rather long driveway that required my 6'5" father to loop his right arm around the back of the passenger head rest, twist his torso around almost 90 degrees, in order to avoid backing into the neighbor's house or car. Being the untapped genius I was, I mentally invented a small television set that would show you what was behind you as you drove. But later I decided attaching giant mirrors to the car's exterior would be better. Needless to say, I am not an inventor. But I am an idea rat.

Here are a few links to concepts, sayings and other musings I've previously thought of. It's so nice when someone can express the thing you think when you can't.

• I once told my mother that I am my own god. She didn't like me saying that. But apparently Morgan Freeman gets it too.
• A sociology assignment helped my college sophomore understand how expensive children are. Wonder what the assignment will be for learning that children are assholes? 
• When my kids were younger,  I used to tell them, "you don't have to go to sleep, just go to bed." That's the prequel to Go The F**k To Sleep --dammit, why wasn't I smart enough to write that?
• Lists are awesome! 
• I've always known a certain R&B singer was an asshole. He affirmed it publicly on a morning talk radio show years ago (that I also dislike) when he smugly commented about why he doesn't bother to vote. I did a quick search for it, and found nothing--which just reinforces how much of a douchebag he is. And he should know from douchebags, since he's a vaginologist.

What's behind Dooor Number 7?

Day 7. I'm supposed to be ON today, that is, I am to take one 75 mg of effexor. I'm currently at work and I forgot my pill. I usually take them in the mornings. I have had zero brain zaps since Sunday afternoon (today is Tuesday), but I experienced just a dash of vertigo a few times this AM. Hmm, wonder if I should bother taking the pill at all. Planning to go to the gym this afternoon as well, which can't do anything but help me. Maybe I'll get a chance to ride my bike there.

One more thing...I so love my iPad that I bought another one! I'm giving the one I have to my daughter, now the college sophomore. She impressed me the other night when she asked to borrow the iPad. I assumed she was planning a marathon evening of Dooors (that was my plan). Instead, she downloaded an app that allowed her to take her class notes and convert them into virtual flashcards! Cool points for Ms. Weezy F! I also bought a home desktop suite and a laptop for my Honor Roll son; what happened to this kid? He's going to be jealous we have iPads, but I'll think he'll come to terms with having his very own laptop.

Alright, this one last thing. Dooors makes me think of doors obviously, which reminded me of Idris Elba and his story about the naming of his production company, Green Door. This is a bit NSFW because of the meaning behind the term green door (heehee). But Elba's British so it's not so bad.

Effexor Detox Day 6 Off

Yard work is my new antidepressant. I was out in the yard for about 3 hours yesterday. We've been having some great weather here in bipolar Northeast Ohio. Need a pick-me-up? Get yourself a chainsaw! I hacked down a bunch of shrubs and dead branches. I love knowing I can do this by myself. With the internet and a few borrowed tools, I'll have my yard looking like I want it to. And without spending hardly any money. The previous owner of my house apparently was a plant junkie. He planted all kinds of stuff --stuff I've never even heard of like rose of sharon or bleeding hearts. But he didn't thin or cultivate a thing--just dumped it in the ground and left it alone. So everything is messy and overgrown, but very hearty.  I had the best night of sleep in 6 days.

I've been reading medical forums for tips & tricks for getting off effexor. Here's a list of what I'm trying:

• Drink lots of water. Drink water until you feel like you're going to float away. One person suggested to make certain to drink ice cold water, although she didn't say why the water needed to be so cold. 

• Find something to do when the brain zaps hit. It's easy to lose focus on how bad you feel. It helps to do something that can distract you from the self-pity booby trap.

• Exercise. Walk. Ride a bike. This really helps with the mood swings. I also think it helps to not have such high expectations. I understand better what I'm putting my body through. So I don't feel bad that I'm crying for no reason when I see this.

• Take a supplement. A few folks were using other SSRI's or SNRI's to get off effexor. I didn't quite understand why a person would do that...the whole point for me is to get off a medicine that isn't helping me anyway. I assume there are other factors in play with this one. But considering there were quite a few recommendations to get a two week Prozac prescription to ride out the effexor detox, there must be something to it. My mom was taken off fluoxetine with no side effects at all. I just don't want another med. I guess I'll save this strategy for plan B. Several folks mentioned vitamin supplements and B complex. That's what I'm starting. I can't with fish oil. Yuck. Benadryl and Dramamine were also recommended to combat symptoms of mushy brain and vertigo. I have a mild case of each but the symptoms aren't strong enough to warrant any meds. 

• Dosing down. I'm on 75 mg, every other day. When I can string a few days together with little to no brain zaps, vertigo or sleeplessness, I'll start pilling or wet finger (gross name, but not doesn't involve actual willys). Both methods are the same thing. Since I'm too cheap to re-up my prescription down to 37.5, I'll open my capsules and "wet finger" or remove a few granules to reduce the number of milligrams.

• Write, talk, express yourself. For me, writing helps the best. I can take as much time as I need to figure out what I'm trying to say. I can also focus on how my body is feeling and identify what is causing it to feel a certain way.  Also knowing there are others who have similar experiences does help. I'm not the only one going through this, and there is help out there if I need it. Effexor detox is not something you want to keep to yourself. 

COPD & Effexor Are Assholes.

I am not a medical professional. I am only sharing my personal experience. Now that I have that out of the way, Effexor sucks! It's the worst medicine in the world! I would never recommend the drug to anyone. It should be off the market. Every professional I've seen has said how easy it is to get off this stuff. This blows. I have brain zaps--it literally feels like a mild electrical zap in my head. I can be in the middle of doing something, and completely blank out on what I was doing or saying. I cannot concentrate for long periods of time. What does help is physical labor and exercise. I spent most of the day working in the yard. I really enjoy yard work. But twice I forgot what I was trying to accomplish. Most people who aren't on medication might think that isn't a big deal, but I know the cause of my forgetfullness and it's name is venlafaxine. And he's an asshole.

 Going to see Mom tomorrow. She's in rehab; she was hospitalized on Mother's Day. We expect she'll be in for at least another week. I hope to buy her a new bed before she comes home. The COPD is in check but the exacerbation has aggravated the chronic heart failure. That's why her ankles are swollen. The doctor has upped her Lasix and that seems to help. She has gotten so used to being unhealthy that she doesn't know when she's in distress. You would think the rehab facility would provide some sort of wellness education but they don't. She says it seems like a medicare scam. The doctor on staff is going on vacation and there is no backup. When it's time for her to be discharged, she will not have been seen by a doctor. The upside of her stay is she gets showered daily and she loves the food. At home she can't lift her legs over the tub to get in the shower, even with a seat there. Since she lives in an apartment, we can't modify the tub. Assisted living is too expensive. Things are not going to get better; she's in a chronic state and the COPD is stage 4. I really don't know what the next move should be. COPD? Cee you next Tuesday.