Recap My Life 2013

Books.
I spent most of my time reading easy readers.  I wanted to complete my goal of reading 50 books this year. I didn't though.  If I read good books, I never want to finish them.
Sex, Drugs, Gambling and Chocolate.
The Artist's Way
The Walking Dead Compendiums
Notes from a Writer's Book of Cures and Spells
Music.
Bangerz by Miley Cyrus. Wrecking Ball wins psycho-listen track of the year, according to my iTunes.
Unorthodox Jukebox by Bruno Mars
Yeezus by Kanye West
Les Claypool
Stick Up Kids by Bad Rabbits. Came out in 2009 but my daughter introduced me to the group this year. BR led me to...
Antibalas
Alone Together. Daley and Marsha Ambrosius

Movies.
The Beginner's Guide to Endings. Highly recommend this.
Pacific Rim. I loved this movie, but I'd only recommend this to nine year old boys who like robots and dinosaurs.

Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure.
Virtual relationships
Secret Social Media
Fetish lifestyle. Unlike E. L. James, I'm conducting research. Yes, that's what I call it.
Cybersex
Rihanna's Instagram

Colors.
No more black in 2014. I wear black everyday but if you ask me my favorite color I'd run down a list that could fill a crayola box - 16 count. So why am I wearing so much black?

Drink.
Water. Oh you do me better than that sexy bitch Chardonnay. I never thought I could, but I quit all alcohol. Best decision ever, once I understood why I needed to do it.
SanPellegrino. When I want a nice drink after a long day, the blood orange takes the edge off.

Movies.
I don't often go to movies. But when I do, I resent the hell out of the ticket price I have to pay. Which is why I don't often go to movies.
Pacific Rim. Yes, again!

TV Shows.
Scandal...Escandalo!!! Tony Goldwyn as President could get it.
Dexter. You were just fucking awful this season.True Blood, get it together.
Orange is the new Black

Wish List.
Last year I wished for iWeightloss, iMoney, and iMan. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Triumphs.
Fun Fitness
Living la vida sober
Life as a local assistant director
45 by 45
Back to the pad again. Meditation.
New and renewed connections with friends - virtual and local.

Travels. New Category!
Long Beach, CA
GOBA
Chicago

Create. All things hobby related.
Cosplay
Writing
Stage Manager
A.D.

Losses.
Gall bladder
My suit of armor
Lee Thompson Young. Bipolar Disorder.
Martin Manley. Suicide.
Elmore Leonard
Jim Kelly
Bobby "Blue" Bland
Roger Ebert
Chinua Achebe
Mindy McCready
Valmore Samuel Jr.

Everyday in July: Day 4 - If you could be any punctuation mark, whatwould you be?

Normally questions like this piss off my inner cranky old man. But in keeping with today's blog theme: Favorite quote (from a person, from a book, etc) and why you love it.

Is your life on a brief pause like a comma, or are you living vicariously through other people, like quotations? My favorite quote comes from a novel about my latest fascination. Essentially it's a love story about a zombie who falls in love with a human. He tries to remember what his life was like before he died, and in the process he becomes less zombie-like and begins to regain some of his humanity.

"I want to change my punctuation. I long for exclamation marks, but I'm drowning in ellipses."

I love this quote because it exemplifies where I am in life. Actually, I'm at least head above water. Working on some exclamation points.

Everyday in July: Day 3 - Things that make me uncomfortable.

I've been trying to write this post for three days now. I wanted to write more than just a laundry list of annoyances. I read through other people's posts on the same prompt, hoping to find inspiration. Instead I found that alot of people are creeped out about things that don't bother me at all. Like "all things bathroom related", "profanity" and "being late". Clearly not my issues, although I'm happy to say I have greatly improved in the category of tardiness. In fact, I could list each one of those items as Things I'm completely comfortable with.

I noticed there were alot of items having to do with social anxiety. Crowds, hand hygiene, public speaking were mentioned quite often. I found one other person who hates making phones like I do. She also happens to be the originator of this blog meme. Confrontation was also frequently listed. As far as public speaking goes, I don't have a problem with it. In fact, sometimes I prefer speaking with strangers than speaking in a setting with people I already know. And as far as confrontation goes,  I've learned you can do more damage to relationships by not talking about something important. I'm ok with confrontation.

I've taken huge strides in an effort to step outside my comfort zone and I like to think I've been successful at it. I won't say nothing makes me uncomfortable, but really not much does. Those things I am uncomfortable with are things I'm very comfortable with being uncomfortable with them.

Crowds.

The thought of being sandwiched among thousands of people really creeps me out. I get antsy and nervous when I have to be in large capacity situations. I don't remember this ever bothering me before and I'm not sure why it does now, but I know I don't like it and I'm ok with it.

Assholes. And Ass-isms.

I'm real intolerant of people who don't like people like me. I'm also intolerant of any belief system (real, imagined or both) that devalues gender, ethnicity, sexuality, music & dance or tattoos. Ain't nobody got time for chopping people up in little categories and judging them. 

Everyday in July: Day 2 - How to be good in a crisis.

1. Identify the most important and the most immediate issue. What is most at stake? Is the crisis about safety? Yours or someone else? Is it a health concern? What's needed first?  If you can answer this problem accurately, you've already solved most of it.

2. See the crisis from start to finish. Explore possible outcomes and decide on the optimal solution.

3. Remember this is not about you. Think about what needs to happen that brings about the best result and focus on that. Don't think about how much you're doing compared to someone else. Fairness is always irrelevant in a crisis.

4. Eliminate the nonessential, but remember to care for yourself. If you're problem solver, you have to stay in the game. And you will surely be on the sidelines if you don't take care of yourself. Forget about doing your nails, ignore the DVR, you don't have time for social engagements. But you do have to sleep, you do have to rest and you do have to move your body. You have a crisis to handle, you don't have any leisure time. At least not now.

5. When the crisis is over, it's still not going to be about you. No one will care how much research you did, how many phone calls you made or how many nights you stayed up solving the problem. They'll just be glad it's over and will want to forget everything that has happened. Don't be surprised if you don't get the regard you think you should. Remember the point was to solve the crisis, not for you to be patted on the back.

6. Decide on a reward for yourself before the crisis is over. Use that as a motivator and a comfort for when the drama goes away. Because when the drama goes away, you're going to feel lonely. You're going to wonder what you're supposed to do when there is nothing left to do. Find a healthy activity to reengage yourself back to whatever your normal is.

7. Make plans for the next crisis. Shoes will fall. Hammers will drop. If the worst hasn't happen yet, get ready for it. Make your phone trees, set your plan Bs, get as many people as you can your side. Update your contacts, your emergency contacts, plan your will AND your funeral, and encourage your loved ones to do the same.

Everyday in July Challenge: Day 1 - The story of my life in 250 words or less.

Hopping around Blogher, I stumbled upon another great writing challenge. Originally posted here, My Purple Dreams altered it for the month of July. I don't know what I like so much about these challenges. Or why I rarely finish them. But I like this one alot, and I hope to complete each day. Off we go.


I am an only child, as was my father. My mother has two sisters, and each of them had two kids. I'm number four out of the five cousins. During family holidays, my cousins and I would put on a show for everyone. We thought of ourselves as an up and coming Sylvers or Jacksons. We would make up dances to the latest songs. Two of us played piano and one played the trumpet. We would charge admission, which was never more than a quarter. The eldest cousin was always in charge of the money and to this day none of us have ever been paid.

I went to catholic school just about my whole life. I liked having to wear a uniform because that meant I didn't have to take time and figure out a new outfit for each day. To this day whenever I wear colorful socks I feel like I'm breaking a rule!

I was also a girl scout. I was a Brownie for one year, advanced to a Junior, and I would have been a Cadet but our troop leader moved away. I still have my sash with all my badges.

Recap My Life 2012

This is a list of my favorite/interesting/intriguing things I came across in 2012. I did this before in 2009.  And again in 2010. Apparently I found nothing interesting or intriguing in 2011.

Books:
1. Moral Combat: Black Atheists, Gender Politics and The Values Wars by Sikivu Hutchinson. I don't subscribe to identity politics any more, but that doesn't mean the politics of identity aren't real. This book is so dense I read and re-read and learn something new each and every time. I would love to take a class or hear a lecture from her.
2. Letters to a Young Contrarian by Christopher Hitchens. 
3. Politics of Respectability by Rae Lewis-Thornton. She can't spell for shit, but that doesn't minimize her truth. She tells the truth.

Music:
1. Blunderbuss by Jack White. A most complete CD from beginning to end. 
2. Molotov Jukebox. I'm a huge Natalie Tena fan. Trying is still my favorite. I would rock that duck hat.

Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
1. Basketball Wives: LA. TeamDraya!
2. Love and Hip Hop: ATL

Colors:
1. Grey
2. Off-white
3. Cobalt blue

Drink:
1. Chardonnay...you still my sexy bitch.

Movies:
I don't often go to the movie theatre, but when I do, I bring my own candy. 
1. Finding Nemo in 3D
2. Snow On Tha Bluff...not for the faint of heart. Very compelling.

TV Shows:
Need I say...The Walking Muthafuckin' Dead! RIP T-Dog! TeamMichonne FTW!

Wish List:
I got the iPad and the iPhone this year. Now all I need the iWeightloss, iMoney and the iMan and I'm set.

Triumphs:
1. Gained custody of my father. He's now in a safe place with professional workers who can help him. People generally look down on nursing homes and on those of us whose parents are in nursing homes, but I know my father is being cared for by professionals who have come to know and understand his needs. 

2. My son moved out. This is a triumph because I was completely against it at first. I thought it was unfair and that my ex was taking away my son. I realized that I was the one being unfair to my son and to my ex. We talked through this process a great deal, involving my ex's gf as well. I will always be my son's mother; that was never in question. I realized what I really want is for my son to thrive and I had no reason to think it could only happen in my house. 

3. I quit Effexor.Ironically, I quit before all the above happened. Which makes me even more awesome than I realized!

Losses:
1. My spec. I'll never know why you did what you did. And I'll never have another friend like you. You were truly one of a kind and I miss you everyday. I'm still mad at you though. Asshole.

2. Christopher Hitchens. Although he died in 2011, the one-year anniversary of his death approaches as I write this. I am in awe of all that he did during his lifetime. I will continue to be a student and a fan of his writings. 

3. Stephen Covey. In another career, I was a certified facilitator of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I remember listening to one of Mr. Covey's videos where he interviews a soccer player discussing how an opponent intentionally injured him. I don't remember his exactly words, but it was to the effect of, "people are motivated to do what's in their own best interest at the time of action." My takeaway from that is that when someone acts out against you, it really doesn't matter if it was personal or not. It's what that individual felt compelled to do; rightly or wrongly. In another words, it just is. I think about that when someone does something that I can't understand or agree with. I realize I don't need to worry about their motivation. They did what they felt they had do. Knowing that, at least for me, helps me make sense of the world. It helps me to let go.

Goals:
See the 45 by 45 page. And stay tuned for the 30 Things in 30 Days.

Crafts:
I am one bad-ass knitter!

Autumn Lace Afghan

#1 of 50 Questions: How old would I be if I didn't know how old I was?

If I didn’t know how old I was, I would say I was in my mid 30s. I don’t feel old enough or maybe a better expression is mature enough to say I’m 44. I think I’m still too silly to be in my 40s. I definitely know I’m an adult and not a teen; nor would I want to be that young ever again. It was miserable and I wouldn't trade places ever. Unfortunately, my body is saying it’s in it’s late 40s. I feel sore in places for no reason. Bending over can sometimes be a dangerous experience for lots of different reasons; are my panties showing? Why can’t I breathe? Ouch, my brain! WTF?

Sometimes I think with all my grey hair I’m older than 44. For about 5 minutes every month, I consider dying my hair. Then I remember I’m cosmetically lazy and would never be able to commit to maintaining a dye job. I pretend the grey is really an alternative radical color like blue or green and I’m really rocking out a shocking white streaks that few chicks can pull off.
I’m content with that delusion.

I spent my 30s lost in failing relationships, and my early 40s in recovery. Now is time to write a new chapter with a focus on myself and my true North. It is my hope to stay vital and vibrant for as long as I can.

Question source: 50 Questions that will free your mind

What's your favorite Christmas Song?

I'm doing an Instagram December Photo Challenge. You take a photo of whatever is on the list for that day. Day 3 was Favorite Christmas Song. I posted a screen shot of Prince's Another Lonely Christmas. It's a great song and it's a favorite, but not the favorite. I love all kinds of Christmas music, yes, even religious songs. No matter what I know to be true for me now, good memories are good memories and they're not to be discounted just because I've evolved in my beliefs.

One thing I like about Christmas songs is there are so many different versions of so many great songs. And sometimes it isn't the song itself that's so great, but the emotion and sentiment attached to the song. So watching the Roots, Jimmy Fallon, Mariah Carey and 4 cute kids sing All I Want For Christmas, made me all giggly and happy. Aww, snap...I feel a list coming on! LIST TIME! 

• I love the setting; a living room of a working class household with cheap decorations literally everywhere
• I love how they're all cramped together but totally fine with it
• I love the look of anticipation of the "xylophone stylist" at the beginning of the video
• I love Quest playing his hairbrush
• I love the ugly sweaters 
• I fucking love Mariah's shoes
• I love big girl's hat
• I love all the kids' expressions
• I love Fallon "turning off" the camera/tv at the end
• I LOVE ALL THE THINGS!!

When I'm Bored. Or Habits of a Narcissist.

I'm a doodler. I doodle. Lately I've been doodling eyebrows. I'm trying to create my own caricature. Why? Because I don't have one, that's why. What, like when you doodle you solve the world's great mysteries? I bet what you doodle isn't even a thing.

I also like to make up new last names for myself. My last name is very simple, but sometimes people make it more complicated than what it really is. I have one of those last names that can also be a first name. For a boy. And often, people want to add an 's' to the end of it. That irritates me to no end. So I think if I had an even more simpler name, the world would be a better place.

So what kind of name? I think your last name should reflect who you are, not whose family you're from. And why do names have to be names? Why can't they be other things? So I started thinking about things I like, things I do, traits, talents and habits I have. I started with tv, movies...

Beckie Makeitwork

Beckie Dontburnnochicken
the Help was out and everybody was Facebook-ing about it

Beckie Fangbanger
I lust for Eric Northman!

Beckie Dontcry
Think The Other Guys


Then I started thinking of nicknames...singsongy names people call you when they're bored...

Beckie O'Beckie

Beckie Beck

Beckie Weckie

Beckito

Beckie Rockstar
My dog's last name is Rockstar. 

Then I started thinking what if I was a cartoon character in old Bugs Bunny cartoons...AND was a rapper...from the 80s...

Beckie Isonfire

Beckie Weighsaton

Beckie Bustacap

Beckie Boogiedown

Beckie Blowyourmind


If you could make up your own last name, what would it be?

What I'm Watching

I have tried to deny this guilty pleasure but no more. There is simply too much good (to me) television to miss. If I could I'd give a juicy tongue kiss in the mouth to the inventor of DVR I would. I fucking love you man. I've grouped the shows I'm watching this fall '12 season in categories, because, well categories make lists even more awesome...duh! In no particular order are the best shows on TV right now.

Shows I Lurve To Watch

• The Walking Dead 
• Boardwalk Empire (Michael K. Williams is awesome!)
• Arrow
• Misfits (if you are not watching this series, you are losing in life!)
• Supernatural (FMK: Fuck Sammy, Marry Dean, Kill Demons)
• Grimm 
• Haven (clearly I have a thing for supernatural/science fiction)
• Happy Endings ("This one's for the buzz bank!" Jane)
• Homeland 
• Castle (I will watch every show Nathan Fillion is ever on. Browncoats unite!)
• Go On (surprisingly good!)
• Hot in Cleveland (required viewing, no?)
• Parks and Recreation (y'all know I love me some Ron Swanson!)
• The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (he has a gay robot skeleton...how can you NOT watch?)
• Elementary (the BBC version is WAAAAY better, but this is a good side piece show)
• Survivor: Phillippines (aren't they always in the Phillippines?)
• Project Runway
• The League (slowly slipping to Hate Watch)
• Person of Interest
• Saturday Night Live (I don't always love every episode, but I feel like I have to watch it anyway. My favorite episode this year has been Bruno Mars as host...turns out he was pretty funny. Daniel Craig sucked. I don't like The Californians or any Fred Armisen skit. I freaking love What's Up Wit' Dat, Stephon and now, Mokiki!)

Shows I Hate Watch

• Dexter
• Sons of Anarchy
• Suburgatory (first I hated this show, then I liked it, and now I hate it again)
• Scandal (Kerry Washington's cry face is hilarious, they talk way too fast and yell too much. Season's almost over? Dammit!)
• 30 Rock (just waiting for the series to end at this point)
• The Voice (as of this posting, I'm no longer watching since they sent De'Borah home)

Shows I Watch But I Don't Know Why

• Criminal Minds (I guess I have a thing for serial crime shows with gratuitous violence)
• L&O: SVU 
• Whitney (again, I don't know why)
• Blue Bloods
• The Mentalist
• MTV's The Challenge, Awkward., True Life, Catfish (shut up I know)
• The Good Wife 

Shows That Are Rachet But I Love Them Anyway

• Basketball Wives LA
• Divorce Court (Judge Toler be givin' some good advice y'all!)
• RHOA
• Bridezillas

NEW CATEGORY: Web Shows

• Rachetpiece Theatre 
• Awkward Black Girl
• Booth At The End (Hulu Series)

Did I miss anything? What are you watching? If you name a cooking show, your post will immediately self-destruct.

Restart: Hi! My Name Is...What?

33 Things I’ve Never Told You (or, How to Re-Introduce Yourself and Kick Your Watered-Down Self in the Ass)

Not my idea; I got it from the link above. Thinking about your true self; the one you know, but few others do, is a great way to re-energize and refocus your thinking about life. In some ways it's a confession of sorts. A purging of behavior you need to get past in order to move on. And it's a list. Y'all know I love me a good list.

Thinking of 33 things no one knows about me was really hard! I think I came up with some pretty good ones but some items on this list I have actually shared with one or two people before.

1. Several relationships in my life have ended badly. There are  just a couple of relationships  I regret losing. I didn't deliberately intend on ending those relationships, it just happened and I did nothing to stop it. I wished I would have handled things differently. Now, I have to use this experience to learn what not to do. But most of the relationships that ended badly should have ended sooner. I've spent a great deal of time trying to make relationships work--and I don't just mean romantic ones, I'm talking friendships too. It's a pattern I don't like; I want to learn how to make friends with honest people out of a true kinship rather than getting to someone well enough to realize I don't really like who they are on the inside. I'm focusing more on speaking my truth first and hoping to find like-minded folks with whom I can share some interesting conversations and experiences.

2. I enjoy drinking alot. I love love love Yellow Tail Chardonnay. It's buttery and fragrant and subtle and rolls deliciously down my throat. I wish it were good for me. Second to the Chard is Scotch...single malt. Not of that blended shit. I'll drink beer occasionally but I'd rather have an icy cold glass of YTC any day.

3. I pledged a sorority but I no longer claim it. While I don’t regret doing it;  I don’t care about it at all now. I’m a die-hard member of Generation X...I.DON’T.DO.GROUPS. Besides that, the organization itself, like just about every other organization, is full of shit.

4. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with my friends because I hate making social phone calls. In fact, I really don’t unless I have to. The only people I regularly telephone with are my children, and my mother, and that’s really because they make me. There’s something about talking on the phone that really annoys me and it has nothing to do with whomever I’m speaking with. In my mind, it’s the call itself that is the intrusion, not the person (I know this isn’t logical; but it’s what I think). It’s like saying, “stop what you’re doing right now and pay attention to me because I said so!” Phones are so uncomfortable now. It used to like second nature to curl up with the receiver because it just nestled so perfectly between your ear and your shoulder. I remember propping a stuffed animal on the other side of it so I could lay down and chat without holding the phone when I was in high school. But now there’s so little and flimsy; I almost dropped my cell phone in my coffee cup! You can barely cradle it on your shoulder without fear of dropping it or pressing all the buttons. I wasn't always like this; I used to talk up a storm on the phone when I was younger and knew less about myself than I did about other people. I also get incensed by rapid-fire calls one after another when the offending party is convinced you want know exactly what they’re doing at the exact moment they’re doing it. “Brrrg! I’m almost there. Brrrg! I’m coming down your street. Brrrg! I’m at your door.”

5. I really like myself. I would hang out with me if I met myself. I suppose being an only child has something to do with that statement. I’m used to my own company, and most often, I prefer it. I admit I have a hard time socializing. I don’t enjoy small talk. I don’t mean that in a snobby way, it’s more like I can’t do it. I can be very awkward socially at times, typically when I’ve convinced myself I have nothing in common with the people I’m around. But if I’m interested in the topic,or the person, or I’m tipsy, I can blather non-stop like most dorks do.

6. I’m more of a libertarian than a liberal. There are some issues I’m very conservative on as well. Which really just proves I’m libertarian at heart. Truthfully, I don’t subscribe to any political party, although I tend to vote democrat. I’m still waiting for the republican party to offer a viable candidate who isn’t bat-shit crazy. I definitely would vote for Ron Swanson.


7. I’m an atheist.  I was born and raised in church. I went to church almost as much as I went to school. I've read the bible. I've had hands laid on me (if you don't know what that is, don't worry about it, it isn't real anyway). I recall questioning the logic of faith as a child. Why would someone who loves me expect me to be loyal to them when I can't tell who, what or where they are? That's like a parent saying to a child, "I love you, now I'm going away. Raise yourself and peace out." 

Most of my family doesn’t know I’m atheist. My mother chooses to ignore it. I do still participate in family prayers. We stand in a circle and hold hands. I do this because I feel like it’s really just a wishful hug and it has the best intentions. And it makes family happy. But I don’t participate in church or sanctifying because, well, now, it’s just silly. My father used to make a big horrendous deal about saying grace before meals. He would refer to the “starving people in China” as to why we should be so thankful God gave us food. I would wonder, why didn’t God feed the Chinese? What did they do wrong? I remember asking him why don’t we send some food to China. I don’t remember his response, but I am sure it involved making sure I would never ask that question again. Right before I met my ex-husband, I began really questioning my beliefs. Then I met my ex-husband, and convinced myself sheep-life was better than exploring my own individuality. Obviously that didn't work out well.

8. I secretly wanted to be an actor when I was younger. And by younger I mean a day ago. But I don’t like people or starvation. So there’s that.

9. My wedding was a joke to most of the people who were in it. I had a blast on my wedding day. I loved my dress, I thought I was marrying the man of dreams and my future would be filled with rainbows and bubbles. Well maybe not bubbles, but I felt in my heart of hearts that God had sanctioned this marriage and every good thing would come from this union. I thought I had surrounded myself and my future husband with people who really cared about and believed in us. After we split up, my maid of honor told me the bridal party joked about betting on how long my marriage would last. I was shocked and then I seethed. I’m probably still at a low simmer. It’s been years since she told me this in a kind of “by the way” manner, but I resent the shit out of her and a few other bridal party members  for it and our relationships has never been the same since.

10. I've been married twice. At least I feel like I have been. I dated my daughter's father through high school and college. We broke up for a while and got back together a few years after college. Then I got pregnant. And then he lost his shit and flaked out on me. To this day, I don't know what really happened. At the time, we thought we were so in love. Now, I can't connect at all to that feeling I had for him.

11. Even though I feel like I've been married twice, my second heartbreak wasn't from my actual divorce. I think my ex and I were good friends who were just incompatible. It wasn't a heartbreak type of relationship. What bothered me most about my failed marriage was feeling like I lied to God; feeling like I broke a covenant. Marvin Gaye wrote a whole album about what happens to people when they lie to each other and to God. Listening to this album was my therapy when my daughter's father left.

12. I quit being a sports fan when Art Modell took the team to Baltimore. I didn't do this intentionally. I used to love to watch boxing, football, baseball, basketball...really all sports. I've watched billiards, strongmen competitions, competitive volleyball, and of course the Olympics. Being a daddy's girl, I watched what he watched. But a famous writer and activist whose name I can't remember advocated for everyone to quit supporting blood sports. I didn't know what that meant. He explained blood sports were any sort of contest involving or producing blood draw of the opponent. I haven't looked back since.

13. I have broken the law. In college, I shoplifted when I was pledging my sorority because we didn't have money to buy the things we needed. That was kind of thrilling to me. After college, I broke a pretty serious white collar law... I don't regret what I did. But I have never done it again and I won't.

14. I'm not the marrying type. I didn't like being married. I turned into someone else when I got married because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. I don't like doing things because they are expected of me. Considering I'm in the empty nest stage of life, I don't really see why I would ever get married again.

15. I judge people by their profession. Anyone involved in the mortgage business is a dick in my book. That extends to ministers, investment bankers, entertainment managers, magicians, and recruiters for MLM companies.

16. I cry instantly over dumb things. Like this Verizon commercial here. It gets me every time.

17. I have an inappropriate sense of humor. I'm the person in the movie theater who laughs at the sad parts. The Titanic scene with Rose floating on the door and Jack dying in the frigid icy water was hilarious to me. Someone really special to me died this year which is still devastating, but the circumstances were just plain stupid and I couldn't stop cracking joke after joke about it. I felt like if he were alive he would have found it funny too.

18. I'm extremely ticklish and jumpy. And if you tickle or startle me, I will hate you for life. My dad used to chase me around the house and tickle me until I cried. I hated it. I laugh of course, but that's a physical response...I abhor tickling. When my kids were little, I'd tickle them when they got on my nerves. It didn't bother them like it did me and we all had a laugh.

19. Don't touch my feet unless you know what you're doing. I'm not saying any more about this.

20. If I could reboot my life, I would not have married or had kids. My original plan was to be a lawyer of some kind and get a dog. But obviously it didn't turn out that way, and I'm happy with that. I don't think my plan was the best for me. My kids are tailor-made for a mother like me. I did get a dog though.

21. I dated several married men before I was married. I was dating 2 married men when I met my ex. He knew about them. One day he asked me why. I don't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was some smug self-righteous answer. He responded by shaking his head and saying one day you'll realize you're smarter than that. I suppose I did.

22. I have 50% bodyfat. That means there really is a skinny person inside me, literally dying to get out! I am working on this though, so this won't be true for long.

23. I waste alot of time. I am a procrasti-master. I blow chunks of time away like drone strikes. It's something I've always done ever since I was a kid. I really would like to change that habit but it's hard. Harder than losing weight.

24. I'm ABD. I quit my doctoral program 3/4 of the way through. I don't know if I'll ever finish, but I know I don't like feeling like a quitter. I'm pretty sure my time is up and I would have to start over, if they would even let me back in.

25. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. I've never looked at working or having a profession as being a true telling of who I am. Or who other people are. What you do doesn't define you, even if you want it to.

26. I'm a bird killer. I am terrified of birds. I don't know why and I didn't know that I was until this happened. I had an empty hanging flower basket on my balcony. I could never decide what type of flower I wanted to plant. I think it was a 4th of July evening when my daughter and I went out to light some sparklers, which was something we'd never done before. We were loud and happy and apparently startled a gigantic mama bird who was in the planter. She couldn't figure out how to get out from under the balcony and kept fluttering around inside with me and my daughter. We yelled for my son to open the bedroom window and we crawled through, not before I used my daughter as a bird shield and yelled my head off at my son to not open the balcony door. The next day I called maintenance to come remove the basket while I was at work. What I didn't know was that mama Pterodactyl had laid eggs inside. The maintenance worker took the basket and threw it in the woods. My daughter was home and watched him do it. She saw the eggs fly out and crack open upside the trees. The mama bird kept coming back to the balcony for days and days looking for her babies. It was heartbreaking and I really wish I hadn't been such a chicken (irony!) about it.

27. My teenage son lives with his dad and I'm ok with it. A year ago, my son told me he wanted to live with his dad, who resides in the next state over. I blew it off at first, but he kept asking me. He said he wanted to know what it was like living with his father. He wanted to learn "manly things". I told him to ask his dad and eventually his father and I spoke about it. I began to realize that if I really loved my son, then the best thing I could do for him, is to let him live with his dad. My goal for my children is for them to thrive. I had no real reason to say no to the move. My ex is a good person. We haven't always gotten along, but I know he loves his son. I know he loves his family. So I said I wouldn't stand in the way.  In the first few weeks, I felt very disoriented. I felt like I was forgetting something; I no longer had to remember to pick him up from school, no longer had to worry about feeding him, making sure his laundry was done or that I had plenty of refills of his asthma medication. But then I realized I had been given the thing that I've wanted for a long time; the freedom to do what I want. I don't know how long my son will live with his dad; this could be temporary or permanent. I know that he and his dad have hit a few bumpy patches. My ex is much more rigid and controlling than I am. But these are things we discussed extensively before and my son felt he could handle it. It's important that they work through this together and I want to support both of them. I'm enjoying this time even though I miss my son. I've realized I can be his mother and love him and love myself all at the same time.

28. The next best lesson I can think to teach my kids is how to die. Both my parents have chronic illnesses. They are going to die from them. My father has moderate dementia. He recognizes me but sometimes confuses me with my mother. The last time I saw him, he expected me to kiss him on the mouth.My dad has always been a hard person to love. He's an alcoholic. He's abusive. He was in a toxic relationship with a horrible woman for 15 years. He did not take care of himself. He alienated everyone around him. These are not lessons I want my children to learn. I've written about my mother's condition here. It's been almost 12 years since her diagnosis. She spent most of this summer in hospitals and rehabilitation centers. She has been doing better in recent wee, but she is mired in a state of depression that practically seems contagious. Dying can take alot of work. At times I feel resentful for the stress and agony and worry. I hope not to do that to my kids.

29. In my next life, I want to be a farmer. This Thanksgiving I purchased a turkey and a few vegetables from a local farm. The family had a couple of dogs roaming around checking out the shoppers. They lived close to the city, but not too close. Not only did they have turkeys, there were also chickens and a few hams. I don't know how many acres they had or how vast their farm is, but I really liked being there. I have no idea why I want to farm, if I'd be any good at it, but it's something I'd like the opportunity to try.

30. I have a superpower. I'm immune to pain. It happens all the time. I'm working around the house, I cut myself, bang my knee, burn my arm, and often I don't even realize it's happened until after the fact. Usually I know I've injured myself because I see it when it happens, but sometimes I don't always see it. Once I cut my hand while washing out a tin can. I saw the dishwater turn red and thought I didn't rinse out all the tomato paste. I ended up needing 4 stitches.

31. I want to live as long as my brain lives. By that I mean I don't want to be alive longer than I'm able to do anything about it. Watching my dad suffer with dementia is sheer torture. For him and for me. It's like he dies everyday. And every day I mourn his loss. And then the next day comes and we do it all over again. He can still feed himself, but that's it. He can't do a single thing for himself, he can't enjoy a sports game, he can't appreciate the changing foliage, he can't wipe his own butt. But most significantly, he can't make decisions. He only knows what time it is; he doesn't know his grandkids and thinks he's living at college in a work/study program. I don't want to experience that. I don't think it's fair for people to have to live that way. I don't plan to. I'll move to Oregon.

32. I would love the opportunity to sing in a band. I could be a wedding singer. Or a backup singer. I know I can't carry the melody, but I have a really good choir voice.

33. I don't like doing things I don't want to do. I know this makes me sound like a petulant brat, and I'll own that. Because that's exactly how I feel when it comes to stuff I hate to do. Like filling out forms, paying bills, returning library books on time. Uggh. Ron Swanson for President! This includes household chores, even some work assignments, family errands and other adult responsibilities that I find boring and uninteresting. I've got a ridiculous stack of mail on my desk now that's been staring at me for over a month. Fuck you mail, I'll get to you when I get to you!

Today I am...

...halfway through cleaning my room.

...content that I have enough Christmas decorations around and outside of the house.

...in need of an assistant. I hate opening mail and paying bills.

...excited to have a king-size bed. I feel like a real bona fide adult. And the box springs are on frames, not the floor!

...geeked about my Craigslist purchase this weekend! I got a Vitamix 5000 for $300! I know lots of folks rag on CL, but I love it! I've made some great purchases there.

...so glad my mother lets me vent to her about anything. Especially stuff she doesn't understand. The trade off is she tells me to pray about it. I feel like it's a fair deal.

...feeling some kind of way about everything. If you don't know what that means, then you understand exactly how I feel. About everything.

The world is finally catching up to me.

When I was seven, my father drove a Chevy Impala. It was a big wide brown ugly automobile. The seats were black and vinyl and very slippery. All the Velcro in the world couldn't keep a child strapped in safely. Not that safety was a big consideration back then. We had a rather long driveway that required my 6'5" father to loop his right arm around the back of the passenger head rest, twist his torso around almost 90 degrees, in order to avoid backing into the neighbor's house or car. Being the untapped genius I was, I mentally invented a small television set that would show you what was behind you as you drove. But later I decided attaching giant mirrors to the car's exterior would be better. Needless to say, I am not an inventor. But I am an idea rat.

Here are a few links to concepts, sayings and other musings I've previously thought of. It's so nice when someone can express the thing you think when you can't.

• I once told my mother that I am my own god. She didn't like me saying that. But apparently Morgan Freeman gets it too.
• A sociology assignment helped my college sophomore understand how expensive children are. Wonder what the assignment will be for learning that children are assholes? 
• When my kids were younger,  I used to tell them, "you don't have to go to sleep, just go to bed." That's the prequel to Go The F**k To Sleep --dammit, why wasn't I smart enough to write that?
• Lists are awesome! 
• I've always known a certain R&B singer was an asshole. He affirmed it publicly on a morning talk radio show years ago (that I also dislike) when he smugly commented about why he doesn't bother to vote. I did a quick search for it, and found nothing--which just reinforces how much of a douchebag he is. And he should know from douchebags, since he's a vaginologist.

Today I am...

...completely distracted because my ipad was delivered when no one was home. My daughter returned from class 10 minutes after the attempted delivery. They didn't even leave a little note saying they had been there. I overpaid for it, but I cannot wait to play fruitninja all night long become even more productive posting to my almost dormant blog.

...excited the traps for my slacking boarders have been set. I've got two whistlepigs (groundhogs, woodchucks, varmits, non-rent paying bastards) burrowing in my shed and under my porch. The city provides live traps and will remove them IF the rat bastards (literally) go into the trap. Meanwhile, I've got to restock on mothballs and ammonia. I don't want to harm them, but they cannot stay. I pay rent. They don't. And they could hurt my dog if he gets one cornered. And he's trying really hard to do so.

I hope I don't turn into Carl.

...feeling pretty good even though I slept for about 5 minutes last night. I'm trying to come off  Effexor. I think I've been on it for at least 6 years. I can say it helps. But coming off is a BITCH! Doctors tell you to step down, but there's nothing they can do for the zaps you feel and that's the hardest part. The best thing to do is your own research by talking to others who have managed to stick it through.  This time I'm taking it every other day for a few weeks at 75 whatever those things are. I hope I can sleep tonight. I may work in the yard, so that might help me doze.

...still searching for a good homemade hummus recipe. I've tried one with tahini and one without; canned chickpeas and bagged; but still nothing matches the mouthgasm that happens when I eat this stuff.

...proud for how I've handled my situation with the Eye Are Ess. For so long I was so afraid and intimidated to contact them even though I knew I was making it worse by putting it off. At some point, a chick's gotta tit up, vag up, grow up and handle her business. Still have a long way to go, but I've got my big girl panties on!

...sorta glad my mom is staying in the rehab facility. She's got COPD, asthma, diabetes, CHF, and arthritis. She had an extreme exacerbation on Mother's Day and my daughter and I called 911. COPD is a behemoth of a disease.  If she didn't have that, she wouldn't have asthma or diabetes or CHF. It's the third most common chronic illness in women; of course cancer and heart disease have it beat. Right now the doctors have her breathing in check, without steroids, but her legs are super swollen; more than usual. Hopefully they will figure it out and she'll be home soon. Mom has been stage 4 for quite some time now.

...going to be distracted until that freaking ipad gets here. GRRR. I can't even set the delivery for pick up until the third attempt.

beckie

When I grow up...

• I will never need to ask my mother for money.
• I will pay all my own bills.
• I will not be in debt.
• I will never bounce a check.
• I will pay all my taxes.
• I will not marry (again) without a prenuptial agreement (if ever).
• Exercise and meditation are habits.
• I will not suck.
• I will have a dog.

Today I...

1.  Forgot to set my alarm clock to 5:30 AM. Got up at 6:10, but I did write 3 pages. Ruminations on a novel.
2.  Made breakfast. Did not walk the dog.
3.  Packed my lunch--homemade black bean & corn chowder.

4.  I did NOT go back to bed. I usually do. Yay me!

5.  Rode my bike to work. In the rain. But I had to walk it up two baby hills cuz my ass is fat.

6.  Got to work early (for me).

7.  Got paid at midnight and I'm already broke (it's lunchtime as I write this).

8.  Might actually start organizing my craft room/office/doggy day room.

9.  Started on The Taste of Salt and Rubber Balls and Liquor. I can't read one book at a time. I'm abibliophobic.

10. Meditated. It felt so good to sit. Don't know why I stopped.

11.Went to bed by midnight. Mostly.

Hopefully today will end as well as it started.

Tomorrow I'm gonna...

1.  Get out of bed at 5:30 AM to write.
2.  Make breakfast and walk the dog.
3.  Pack lunches for me and the boy.

4.  Not go back to bed.
5.  Ride my bike to work.
6.  Get to work early.
7.  Ride my bike to the store.
8.  Start organizing my craft room/office/doggy day room.
9.  Start on a new book.
10.Meditate.
11.Go to bed by midnight.