What I'm psycho-listening to these days.

So yeah. I like this song by Miley. In fact, I like most of the songs on her new album. So what? I may be the only one person who thought her performance on the VMAs was simply hilarious. I was entertained. That girl was twerkn' the hell outta those lil' chicken cutlets. I mean, how else do follow up Madonna kissing Britney & Xtina or Diana Ross' Fondlegate of Lil' Kim? You twerk. You make people learn what that is whether they want to or not.

And since I never miss a season of SNL (someday I want to be in the audience and hopefully been seen as part of an audience sketch), I watched this past week's show where Ms. Cyrus was the musical guest and the host. Doing both jobs is really really hard, so I definitely appreciate when an artist can pull that off. Bruno Mars did a great job last year as host/musical guest. So did Justin Timberlake. Considering Miley's epic Disney career, I knew she would do well; but since this is virtually a brand new cast, I was doubtful it would all come together. Alas my doubts were for naught. It wasn't outstanding, but again, it doesn't take a whole lot to entertain me. 

All this to say, j'aime la chanson intitulée Wrecking Ball. The lyrics address my last relationship. I was absolutely the wrecking ball in that one. And that was new for me. I suppose I took pride in always being the rational one in relationships. But it was different with my spec; not better though.  I have no delusions it was somehow better or more passionate. Honestly, it was a “hot mess” situation. 

It’s been almost two years since he died. In that time I've done a lot of mourning, a lot of crying, a lot of feeling sorry for myself. Mostly I spent a lot of time being scared and being scarred. I have learned quite a bit about myself though, and now I have a much better outlook about myself and life in general. Listening to this song doesn't make me sad, it shows me how far I've come and how much I've learned about myself. I've been afraid for a long time to be passionate and enthusiastic about anything; I’m not anymore. I've cleaned away a lot of the debris that crumbled around me. Instead of feeling razed and crushed I feel empowered and resilient. I know better why I wrecked and I now know how to better deal with my own emotions. 

E ne veux pas avoir peur d'aimer à nouveau et je ne veux pas avoir peur de l'amour.

For me, Wrecking Ball is the denouement of the mixtape (Gawd I miss cassettes) on that relationship. I'm good.

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me.

Decisions: What adults do that children don't.

I think I got this from Malcolm in the Middle. I don't remember which episode it was but Hal was trying to explain to Malcolm how hard it could be to have to make decisions all day long. That's what adults do. Kids don't. Right now, I would like to not be an adult because I'm tired of making decisions.

I keep going back and forth about this blog. Should I post or not, should I continue the blog; delete it or just abandon it? What's its purpose? Stream of consciousness, daily log, entertainment, philosophy, life lessons...what the fuck is the point of this?

Then I remember, I just want some space of my own to write. I don't care if I never get a comment, an ad link, or income from this, I just want a place to share my thoughts. And that is the key difference between journaling and blogging for me. I want to write publicly; as if I have to defend what I have to say--not that I really do, but I want the challenge. I want to continuously examine my thoughts and beliefs and attempt to defend them as if I were in a court of law. Writing is the only way I think I can truly unpack my head and sort out my life.

I keep coming across these moments where someone or something resonates with what I'm going through right now, with my evolution with the concept of faith and spirituality, aging parents, kids leaving the nest, my health and end of life. I want to weave these threads together, and create an accessible, flowing, complex tapestry reflective of a life evolved.

Here's the end of this post. But decidedly, not the end of this blog. I'm not convinced I should change or delete this blog just because my posts will be different. In truth, I don't know that they really will be all that different. But I do know they will be honest and brave; hopefully amusing, inspiring and funny. I write my blog for me. But I welcome those who want to join me on this journey.