The Witness is Excused.

Talk-show sensation RJ Stevens, a self-help guru dispensing his "Team of Me" philosophy to millions of adoring fans, is presently serving as PR Manager to one LBJ.

Formerly of ESPN and NBC, asshole sports reporter impersonator, Jim Gray, serves as the Frost to LBJ's Nixon. It is allegedly reported that J-schools all over the country are quickly developing courses for journalism students to learn how to ask nothing in 18 questions.

Cavs majority owner Dan Gilbert, broke out the crayolas to write this letter to his former king.

The children who were in attendance at The Debacle Decision, were given gift bags of VitaminWater and old Cavs jerseys. Several of the children thought they would be fed. They weren't.

Some of the advertising revenue was donated to the Boys & Girls Club of America. These funds will be used to develop educational programs to teach kids that quitting is really not that bad.

 

Women in Comedy (Part 1)

One of my all-time favorite comedians is Marsha Warfield. I always thought she was way funnier than most people gave her credit for. She strikes me as one of those people who is usually the smartest person in the room, and thoroughly bored with the rest of us. Most of her counterparts still haven't caught up to her IMO.

I'm taking auditing a class by the same name as this post (minus the part 1 part). The final project is to research and present on (insert title here). My focus is on black female stand-ups. That seems to be the toughest gig in comedy entertainment. I'd like to see a white man try to pull that off.

The instructor asked us to look for black female comics between 1950 and 1970. Don't say Moms Mabley! Here's what I turned up:

Shirley Hemphill
LaWanda Page
Marsha Warfield

Now before you say, "But Beck, Shirley was on 'What's Happening?' and LaWanda was on 'Sanford and Son.'" Well, you should know both ladies got their start in AND stayed with stand-up. LaWanda played clubs everywhere. Did you know she was heralded as the Black Queen of Comedy? Funny, I don't remember that being mentioned in this train wreck. She was also an exotic dancer...go 'head Aunt Esther!

I contacted several one comedian whose site I came across while surfing the net diligently conducting my research. Leighann Lord was kind enough to respond to my query, mentioning Moms, Marsha and Shirley. She also listed Roxie Roker and Marla Gibbs as comedic actresses. Now, to be honest, I wouldn't call myself a huge fan of the Jeffersons (I hated Lionel #2), or 227, but I did honor my membership as a card-carrying Black girl by watching those shows anyway. I just couldn't see Helen being attracted to Tom?! Eww. More on black comedic actresses later. My research focuses on the stand-up.

Happily, Ms. Warfield is still around. She's tweeting and FBing her butt off, in her quest for Queen of America. I hope she starts blogging, if she isn't already. Her writing is sharp, witty, correct and hilarious. Check this out here.

Note to Ms.Warfield: I'm such a fan of yours, I've gotten back together with Kofe. Albeit a FB-With-Benefits situation, so he doesn't try to overwhelm me with a bunch of poking and shoving and shitty computer games. This time, it's FB booty calls only.

If you know of any black female stand-up comics, between 1950 and 1970, please leave a comment. More to come on Women in Comedy! In the meantime, check out Marsha roasting Tommy Chong!

Beckie had a breakup.

Part of the reason I was away from blogging for so long, is that I was in a stifling, one-sided relationship. Now that I'm out, I can't even remember what the attraction was about. My significant other, let's call him Kofe Cabo, for anonymity, somehow managed to manipulate all my time, whether I was at work, home, socializing with friends (in real life), at the doctor's office or even in traffic.

It got to the point where Kofe could get a hold of me anywhere. I should have realized things were headed in a wrong direction, when he began suggesting friends to me. At first, I was really flattered and excited! How cool it was to get reacquainted with long lost friends! But then I realized, hey, I don't really like some of these people that much, and they probably don't really like me either. That's probably why we didn't stay in touch in the first place. I think we all just got in over our heads.

But each time I connected with one friend, I wanted another and another! Kofe made it so easy. He even introduced me to people I barely knew, and before I realized it, they became my friends too! I became really confused. I would click through photos of people I didn't even know, just because I could. I'd make comments to complete strangers...again, just because I could. It was weird. It was like being trapped in some weird elevator and pretending you know everyone inside. I read updates of people I would never talk to, not because I didn't like them, but I just didn't know them! Things really started to spiral downward when FB started getting physical. He would poke me for no reason at all.

He made it so easy for me to lose myself to old addictions. I could manage my flair habit in the 80s; back then everybody was into it, so no big deal, right?. But, Kofe showed me how to make it myself--I'd spend hours searching for and taking other people's flair or stealing images for my own. I'd find myself sitting in the dark, arranging flair on my corkboard. Thank God I never tried anything stronger like Farmville or Bubbletown.

It was when the power when out during a rainstorm that I knew I had a problem. The cable went out and my phone app didn't show all the updates. And I was jonesing...jonesing bad for an update. I drove like a bat out of hell to the library. What was everyone doing? I had to know, I just had to know!!

It was then I realized I had to quit and fast. Working all day in front of a computer, there would be no step-down, no Kofethadone. It was unplug and stay unplugged. Forever.

Four weeks Mr. Kofe Cabo and I'm never going back. Like I said before, I can't even remember what the attraction was about.

Today's mood is...

"I'm a recovering undercover over-lover
recovering from a love I can't get over...

...20 feet out of ashes I can rise
Just like birds and children
I can fly
And I'll take my phoenix flight
And you can't take mine..." 

Erykah Badu is a musical enigma. She satisfies and surprises me at every lyrical turn. She is both wise and arrogant beyond her years; and neither descriptive is meant as a compliment or an insult. These are the facts with Ms. Badu, as far as I'm concerned.

Merriman-Webster defines arrogance as,

"an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions."

She has skills and a talent for expression that is difficult for me to fully appreciate. I stretch and grow when I listen to her music. She's one of those artists like, Prince, Lee Daniels, Whoopi and a handful of others, who expects (or demands) full engagement as part of the artwork or knowledge gained. You cannot listen to or view a piece of work from any of the aforementioned and not have your soul stirred. They are the few who really seem to understand the effect they have AND have the dexterity, tenacity, and focus to manage it well.

I plan to post more about my thoughts on these and other artists and this truly unique talent in the coming weeks and months. In the meantime, if you have not heard this song, "Out My Mind, Just In Time"...please to enjoy.

"...Round and round I seem to go
always had the antidote
looking for the Holy Ghost
Found him in the missing note
sinking in a holy boat
Round and round
I seem to go...

...guess it's time to grab a coat
evolution time to grow
Ego trying to block the door
Might not have nowhere to go
I finally got a leading role
introducing super dope
Staring in her episode
Hello, new world
out my mind."

Arrangement by: Erykah Badu // Lyrics by: Erykah Badu//Inspired by Suheir Hammad's poem “WHAT I WILL”

Merry Trismus!

Happy Solstice! A few days ago...anyway. So, this being the six months before I have another birthday, it's time to account for my progress on a few goals o' mine.

1. Weight loss: I lost 15 lbs. over the Christmas holiday! Unfortunately, I found most of them again this spring.
2. Finances: I'm happy to report my finances are in order! The same order they were when I dumped all my bills in a laundry basket and tossed it in the back of my closet. 
3. Career: I am still gainfully employed. Today. Tomorrow's probably a lockdown too.
4. Children: My daughter is now older than my car. Fortunately I don't have a car note though. What I do have is a 16 year old mall rat. Not much difference there.
5. Friends & Family: I am surrounded by loving, caring people. Please send help.
6. Health: I recently broke a tooth and had a temporary crown put in. I now have trismus. It's nothing like Christmas. Nothing.at.all.

Beckie has a secret. Kinda ish...

mk, well you know about this site PostSecret? If you don't, click here, but remember to come back. Now for the rest of us who don't live under rocks, I have to say that while I like the concept, I just don't have the time to go get a postcard, redecorate it, write out the secret and mail the card. I really don't think my secrets are all the interesting...they sorta time-out, they're rather mundane compared to this.

But, if I had the time, an old Sears catalog, scissors and magic markers, here are some of the things I would send in:

• I saw you yesterday but I didn't speak to you. Your stupid wig scared me.
• I love watching you sleep. Why can't you be that quiet when you're awake? 
• I think all Asians who work at Asian restaurants own them. I don't think this about any other ethnicity. Am I the only one?
• I can wait for my kids to get old enough so I can get them drunk. I think that will be hilarious.

Beckie returns.

And we're back.
Didn't plan on taking such a long break from blogging, but my home laptop died i had to walk my dog i've been exercising and gaining weight i was sick and then I got better ring bills came and they are still here while the money ring ring does a drive-by every two weeks and do kids really have to eat so much i just bought those shoes they can't be too small what is that ringing am i the maid or the mother stop the ringing i can't tell i need a life not this one let's go out somewhere that's not too far or too crowded or too loud but not dull with a bar but not rowdy or pretentious with food fuck the diet and no i'm not here everything on the menu is fried yuck but not too expensive i'm sleepy get a movie i never watch the whole thing why i do have cable if i still rent movies cost alot and not that good enough for now it's late fees on library books i owe twenty bucks and didn't finish it is due tomorrow and i'm not close to done.

but i think i'm close enough.