"As we end this year, there is a wonderful gift that awaits us: deep peace. Bring into your conscious awareness the ways that you have been guided, supported, loved and propelled forward.
Anchor in oneness. Inhale the unconditional love of pure Spirit and exhale the quietude of the eternal God. Relax into the arms of your beloved God and listen...listen to the stillness. There is nothing to do. There is nothing to get. There is only God. In this place, deep peace will bring you rest."
This post was also inspired by Nora of Walking in the Rain. If I could have talked with my 21 year old self, I'm sure I wouldn't have listened, but I think I would have at least appreciated the effort.
21: I don't want to be married. I don't want kids. I just want a nice condo and a dog.
41: Having kids was the best gift I didn't ask for. Being a mother has made me a better person. But it's hard work. So is having a dog. Marriage can be a beautiful thing, if you're with the right person for the right reasons. Don't marry someone you wouldn't want your child to marry.
21: I want to make alot of money.
41: I want to make alot of money.
21: I graduate from college in 1990. I move home to live with my mother, while I attempt to find a job outside of the field of education. I never wanted to teach, so I decided to forgo the student teaching component and graduate early.
41: Do the student teaching. Spend another semester in school and finish the program in its entirety. You're going to go back and finish it later. Get it out of the way. Moving home was smart.
21: I have a full-time job, my own place and a college degree. I am the sh*t!
41: I have a full-time job, my own place and 2 college degrees. Big damn deal.
21: My idea of a great date was going to breakfast after the the club. Wanna use this coupon? What's your name again?
41: A good date? Going someplace like a gallery or for a walk at a park. Experiential, cheap, active. I can watch a movie at home.
21: Hair: Major issue. I spend on average $60 to $80 bucks a month getting my hair done. It takes anywhere from 3.5 to 6 hours in the salon. My hair color changes with the seasons.
41: Hair: Non-issue. I have locks. I twist them myself...no more salon. I spend $5 to $25 bucks every 3 months. Takes about 2 hours from start to finish if I use a dryer. Less time if I let my hair air dry. Hair color? Too much commitment. I'm grey and I'm proud! Except for down...umm, not.gonna.happen.
21: In the immortal words of Wilma & Betty...CHARGE IT!!
41: Cash and carry...the only way to fly!
21: Drink all night, go to work the next day...what hangover??
41: Drink for 20 minutes...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Did I get hit with a brick?
21: Shopping with my girls for "hoe" gear, high heels and lingerie.
41: Amazon.com, stretchy jeans, and high heels! (Oh, I'm not going down without a fight)
21: Hi, random stranger. You're cute, here's my phone number, pager and address.
41: Please submit a vial of blood, your resume, 3 references and your fingerprints. May I see your driver's license? Your mother's maiden name? Let me google you first, then I'll call. Maybe.
Nora writes an engaging and witty blog, called Walking in the Rain. Being the list lover I am, I really liked her monthly recaps. I think it's a great way to cross off accomplishments, failures, to-dos, so-ons, and stuff-like-that-there.
Here's the way December has shaped up for me: Books:
Turning the Mind Into An Ally
The Complete Book of Sewing
8 Ways to Avoid Probate
What the Buddha Taught
Good to Great for Nonprofit Sectors Music:
Nikki Minaj
Kings of Leon
Robin Thicke
Random Christmas music Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
For the Love of Ray J (don't judge) Colors:
Orange & olive Obsessions:
Fit Challenge Facebook (friend me!)
Drink:
Water, water, water...glub, glub, glub
Rooibos Tea Foods: Leek
Kale Movie: The Killing Room (someone please explain the end...I was with it until the very last scene!) TV Show:
Right now, I'm in TV purgatory. Waiting for the new season to start. Wish-List:
Movado Ono ring...drool Triumphs:
Not drinking.
Getting up at 4:30 AM to workout 3 days a week.
Drastically improving my diet.
Extending my meditation practice to 20 minutes daily. Irritants:
The mess in my daughter's room.
Selling my dad's house. Goals:
End the month in the black.
Pay rent on time.
Stick with Fit Challenge.
Rejoin Akron Meditation Group.
Craft: Sewing A hat to fit my locks Boys' pajamas Indulgences: Peppermint Patties (just kidding FC spies) Being a grown@ss woman! Buying bras that fit really well Excitement: The kids are spending a few days with their dad this Christmas. I'm looking forward to the down time! Mood: Very happy Satisfied
Hi, I'm Beckie Samuel, here with today's InnerBlog News. This morning we find the Electronic Village has a new post in which yours truly makes a brief appearance in a clip promoting the Blogging While Brown Conference. I'm am proud to say I was a recipient of a New Blogger scholarship for last year's conference in Chicago. I must admit, I was completely starstruck (and thoroughly exhausted) during the whole conference.
After deciding to attend at the very last minute(shout out to Sweeta for encouraging me), I rode the Megabus from Cleveland to Chicago. I got there early Chicago Saturday morning, so you can understand why I look so whupped. Like a dummy, I didn't bring a camera, so I have no pics of my own to share. I'm still trying to digest everything I learned there. I'm definitely planning to attend the 2010 conference in DC.
Here's a link to the clip (I'm at 4:35 for you uber-fans). If you're a blogger, you'll want to try to make it to the conference. You'll be amazed at the welcome and information you'll receive. If you're thinking about starting a blog, this is a great way to gather ideas about what you want to feature. I'm going to use this holiday break to further refine my focus here on this blog, and maybe set up another one. We'll see how that goes.
Ok, so it's now Week 2, Day 4 of the 6th grade gym class for this overweight, die-hard GenXr. And guess what? I.am.hooked. These nutty broads are definitely onto something. I really can't believe I doubted their Shaolin technique!
I've lost 6 pounds after 3 days of a cardio routine Jillian Michaels would be proud of! Not to mention, I've mostly followed their diet plan to a T. So, technically, I dropped six ell bees in less than 7 days!!
Now, I'm drinking water like a fish, I'm up and at 'em (who ever they are) at 4:30 AM, 3 days a week. Remember my quest to quit sugar? Almost there...I'd say about 80%, which is good enough for me. I've never been much of a meat eater, so that's not a problem for me. But I have been re-introduced to seafood. Last week, I had Orange Roughy and that was the yummers!
There is a lockdown on how much I can say about who they are and what they do, and I really, really don't want them mad at me, so I ain't spilling the green beans! But I will say I am glad I am able to appreciate the "crazy" they have for whupping folks in shape! I am ret' to go!!
I know I'm not the only one who has mental arguments with people. Everybody does. But one thing that may be a bit troubling about me is that my arguments usually involve people I don't know. Random strangers. In fact, I could be having an argument with you right now. But you would never know, cuz I'd never let you in on it. So take that! I win so'more!
Today's cerebral bruhaha happened this morning in the new gym I recently joined. I won't mention it here because they have a sucky website, and I don't link to sucky sites. They also have a, umm...shall we say, different approach to exercise and motivation. Think back to the crazy militant gym physical education teacher you had in grade school. Ok, then, remember how teams where chosen? All the fast and popular kids first? Now, you're getting the idea...
So, we're working out in our groups; I'll call the top group, Superfast, the middle group, Average Janes, and the bottom group, the YouCanDoIts. So, the drill instructor/trainer calls Superfastand Average Janesto line up at their stations. This being my second day, I'm waiting with the rest of the newbies for Ms. Balbriker to tell the YouCanDoItsto go to their station. Someone from Superfast(I hope you're saying this the way Mary Katherine Gallagher would say it) pipes up, "What are you guys waiting for?"
Sideye, beyotch, I got this!
So as I'm going to the loser section, Ms. B tells me to join the Average Janes. Clearly, she noticed my ninja-like moves on my first day. And so begins the gruesome torture exercise.
We step-lift our way around and around in three groups; you can smell fat-burning going on. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a Superfast walking around idly like she's the equivalent of Allen Iverson (practice? I don't need no stinking practice!). Ms. B gently admonishes yells for her to get moving and stop wasting time. Eventually Iverson rejoins the group, but she isn't quite working at the regular Superfast pace. This butt-dragging, I-can't-be-so-bothered *ish goes on for a while...and when I say a while, I mean all of about 2 minutes and then...
Balbriker benches Iverson! In my mind, that is. Actually Ms. B sent Iverson to the Average Janes. I think there was some trash talk, or eye rolling, cuz it took a minute for Iverson to get herself together. I couldn't tell because my heart was trying to escape from my body. Now I gotta deal with a pissed off AI and keep my ribs from exploding all over my step. Not to mention I have COUNT. OUT LOUD. IN ORDER.
As I've mentioned, this is my second day. I'm still a bit overwhelmed that I paid money for this shit as I attempt to follow the choreography. One misstep could cause a sweaty musty chain reaction, which could leave you screaming out the door for a Purell shower. But what's this? Is AI trying to punk me? Is she trying to look like this is so easy she can barely break a sweat? I feel like my swagger is in jeopardy...what to do?
She starts moving closer behind me like I'm moving too slow for her...
Aww sooky, we past the sideye now! It's on!!!!! And suddenly, as if Jesus stuck his foot out, AI trips as we go around to the left! Our eyes meet; she knows I know she almost busted 'dat ass! Now she gotta save face, so I know she's coming for me when we switch to the right...
bah-ring. it. bitch!
Calling on my latent ninja training, I am able to recharge immediately by remembering all the times I was called on last for dodge ball and Red Rover (stupid fuckin' games! Who invented that shit?)
My reflexes kick in and I make my steps wider and higher and faster like Jamie Sommers. Besides, I hate when people stand directly behind me..it creeps me out.
New set...LEFT!
Uh oh, my turn! I heard ya calling me AI, now I'm coming! I got the rhythm down (I think) and I'm hauling ass across the steps. Come creeping up on me? Yeah? I don't think so...how's that? I'm right behind you AND I'm simultaneously counting! HA!
New set...RIGHT!
AI is trying to play like she doesn't know what's going on between us, but I know that she knows. Just because she looks completely ambivalent to the mental battle between us; it's really just a ploy to make me simmer down. But I won't have it! I will triumph!
New set...LEFT!
Ninja skills are weakening...apparently there is a lift under the floor that makes the steps higher as you go (very clever you heartless bastards), but I'm not done yet...
The mental warfare quickens as I imagine her saying to her Superfast buddies after class...
AI: "Yeah, I couldn't really get a good workout on over there in the MomJeans group."
Me: "Bullshit!"
AI: "Wha the..who said.." Me: "Yeah, I said it."
AI: (Gives me the WTF look), then says, "f*ck you!"
Me: "Well, you can f*ck my fat ass if you want to, but if I were you, I'd wait a few more weeks!"
Superfast, AverageJanes, YouCanDoIts all fall on the floor laughing.
Me: Winks at AI and walks out the door.
Now, that didn't really happen, but that's what I was thinking!
Inside my brain, I have my very own comedy club. The audience is filled with me, I'm the host and the star performer. I serve drinks, collect tips, and Sarah Palin takes out the trash. Or is the trash. That part is fuzzy.
My Amazon Reading Wish List for 2010:
I Should Have Listened Mama by Usher & Whitney Houston
You CAN Have It All: Father Other Women's Children While Maintaining Your Marriage by Bill Cosby, John Edwards. Forward written by Rev. Jesse Jackson. Book tour coming to a hotel near you. So keep it warm baby.
Fall Back In Love With Your Wife: After The F*ck Up (an anthology) contributors include Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Dave Letterman and Tiger Woods. Kobe Bryant, editor
Speaking of trash, I read somewhere (my notebook), that Sarah considered other titles for her (cough) book:
Today is the first day of Verify & Win for Nanowrimo 2009. I'm only halfway through with less than a week to go. But I'm off for the next few days, and most of my pages are handwritten. I feel more creative and inspired when I write in longhand (I bet my kids have no idea what that means.)
This will be one hot mess of a novel. Paragraphs are disconnected and out of order. Major typos are everywhere. But I don't care. All I want is to say I finished. And to post the winner badge on Facebook. Yep, I aim low. Works for me.
I spend alot of time comparing my childhood to my adult life. I think about the things I enjoyed doing as a kid or wanted to do. I hike, I ride my bike and I have learned how to swim. I also love to perform. I've always been in plays, church productions, skits, whatever you wanna call it. I the sixth grade, I wrote, directed and performed in a play about unionizing coal miners. In high school, I sang in the chorale (glee club), and in college I was in two productions; A Day of Absence and Home.
So in keeping with the practice of reconnecting with my youth, I responded to an ad in the local paper for actors & crew members needed for a local production. Initially, I was going to be the make-up person/PA/female understudy. I ended up playing one of the characters in the play. We were able to improv, and I think I did ok with it, considering that was my first time trying it. We were only able to pull off one production of it. I'm hoping we can do more with this next one.
I'm now doing a second play, where I am the mother of a young woman, who becomes a victim of domestic violence. This is a subject near and dear to my heart, as I am a survivor and witness of domestic violence. The curious thing in this case is I don't know the ending of the play. We will see how this goes...
I'm also preparing for NaNoWriMo 2009. Even though I signed up in 2007, I never even attempted writing anything. This year will be different. I don't know what story I'm going tell; I've had the idea of writing about a first-hand experience at an abortion clinic some years ago, but I really haven't fleshed that one out. Sometimes I think it's just too old of a story to tell, and I should start with something fresh. But it's really the first experience where I witnessed something truly amazing and thought this needs to be recreated and given some presence for others to respond to. Also, I don't know if I can do it justice.
This is one of those obscure blog posts that will make sense to no one but myself. But hey, it's my blog.
Just found out there's a little more room here for me to do me. I can expand and grow and learn and build and do whatever I want cuz I just got me some more elbow room!
In reality, nothing has really changed for me in my daily life. But knowing there is no longer a need (psychologically) to limit or restrict or even punish myself and my actions because of what others might say, do or think, is a huge weight off my shoulders.
I could compare this with finally being left alone to work on a piece of art, without having someone peering over your shoulder, critiquing every brush stroke. Now I can create what I want, how I want. I can just be.
When I realized this was happening, this Schoolhouse Rock song, popped into my mind...gotta gotta get me some Elbow Room!!
"Because if I am living an honest life, and my eyes are open, and I’m trying my hardest to be good and kind, then anything I’m doing is fine to tell people." Penelope Trunk
This woman tweeted about having a miscarriage...during a board meeting.
This last statement is how I found her blog. I was going through a divorce and what I found out later was severe depression. I couldn't think at work. Some days I would come in and sit in my chair and do absolutely nothing. Not one thing. Not surfing the internet, painting my nails, or reading a book (which I've done before at work). I. did. nothing. I didn't even think. I couldn't concentrate enough to form a coherent thought. I knew this couldn't last. So being the school nerd I am, I looked up divorce and work online. Surely someone has experienced this same struggle. How does one navigate one's life while it's being examined, redefined, assessed and mutilated at the same time?
I found nothing that fit my needs. Oh, there's lots of stuff on divorce, the legal stuff, the custody stuff, the splitting up the stuff stuff. And there's way more information about depression. But that isn't what I wanted. I wanted work and divorce. I don't have a trust fund...I can't take a leave of absence. Eventually I found this. Hi Ms. Trunk...that's a weird name to choose.
The fact that I found something made a difference. I think I might have filed a piece of paper, or renamed a folder that day. Because she shared her experience, not with a few people, but for all, she provided me with something I needed. She didn't tell me what to do, how to do it, or how much to pay, all she did was say...me too. I know that too. And that's what I needed to move on. In a nutshell, what she writes is about knowing yourself; whether it's at work, at home, or on the farm. At that time in my life, I didn't know myself. I didn't have a clue whose body I was in. So that was where I began.
I'm not judging her tweets, posts or other comments. My opinion of her life doesn't matter. I'm not judging her. I'm glad she talks about her life at work and at home. I don't think she's wrong for doing it. Following her experience gives me food for thought about mine. It makes me think about what I might write about my own life at work. What issues do I dare reveal? If it's happening, why deny it? I agree with PT that keeping secrets is not a good thing.
I don't know that anything earth shattering would have happened had I not found her blog that day. I'm sure I would have pulled myself together, as I have and continue to do. But man oh man, I'm glad she did. I imagine someone else somewhere is appreciative for that tweet as well.
I'm doing my best to live an honest life, keep my eyes open, take responsibility for my actions, and be good and kind. I'm with you PT.
Instead of the traditional portrait of Jesus, with MLK and John Kennedy on either side, I've got a poster of Obama in my living room. It's a nice candid shot, with smaller clips of more Obama art surrounding it. I have more Obama art featured here.
I came across this article and thought this artist explains it way better than I ever could:
"People undervalue the potential impact of art: It's different from what a slogan or a normal political logo can do. It has more of a depth, more of a connection." Shepard Fairey
Some of the art is super-campy; but alot of it is good. I hung the poster because Obama inspires me; I feel like my vote does make a difference--the yes we can motto stays present in my mind. And it's that feeling I want to sustain; not to say prayers to it or rub his photo for good luck.
I also don't agree with everything he does and says. But I do respect the presidency. And this term, I also respect the man.
Now, where should I hang the giant fork and spoon?
I haven't made much of an effort to see these movies. Alot of them are really old; not in a vintage way, but more in an outdated/outmoded way.
P.S. I don't think I can do Sound of Music. Just don't see it happening.
0-9 12 Angry Men (1957) 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) 400 Blows (1959) 8 1/2 (1963)
A The African Queen (1952) Alien (1979) All About Eve (1950) Annie Hall (1977) Apocalypse Now (1979)
B The Battle of Algiers (1967) The Bicycle Thief (1948) Blade Runner (1982) Blazing Saddles (1974) Blow Up (1966) Blue Velvet (1986) Bonnie and Clyde (1967) Breathless (1960) The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957) Bringing Up Baby (1938) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
C Casablanca (1942) Chinatown (1974) Citizen Kane (1941) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
D Die Hard (1988) Do the Right Thing (1989) Double Indemnity (1944) Dr. Strangelove (1964) Duck Soup (1933)
E E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) Enter the Dragon (1973) The Exorcist (1973)
F Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982) The French Connection (1971)
G The Godfather (1972) The Godfather, Part II (1974) Goldfinger (1964) The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1968) Goodfellas (1990) The Graduate (1967) Grand Illusion (1938) Groundhog Day (1993)
H A Hard Day’s Night (1964)
I In the Mood For Love (2001) It Happened One Night (1934) It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
J Jaws (1975)
K King Kong (1933)
L The Lady Eve (1941) Lawrence of Arabia (1962) The Lord of the Rings (2001)
M M (1931) M*A*S*H (1970) The Maltese Falcon (1941) The Matrix (1999) Modern Times (1936) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
N National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978) Network (1976) Nosferatu (1922)
O On the Waterfront (1954) One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
P Paths of Glory (1958) Princess Mononoke (1999) Psycho (1960) Pulp Fiction (1994)
R Raging Bull (1980) Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) Raise the Red Lantern (1992) Rashomon (1951) Rear Window (1954) Rebel Without a Cause (1955) Rocky (1976) Roman Holiday (1953)
S Saving Private Ryan (1998) Schindler’s List (1993) The Searchers (1956) Seven Samurai (1954) The Shawshank Redemption (1994) The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Singin’ in the Rain (1952) Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) Some Like It Hot (1959) The Sound of Music (1965) Star Wars (1977) Sunset Blvd. (1950)
T Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) The Third Man (1949) This is Spinal Tap (1984) Titanic (1997) To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) Toy Story (1995)
U The Usual Suspects (1995)
V Vertigo (1958)
W When Harry Met Sally… (1989) Wild Strawberries (1957) Wings of Desire (1988) The Wizard of Oz (1939) Women On the Verge of Nervous Breakdown (1988) The World of Apu (1959)
Gimme some new religion, Something that I can feel. Gimme some new tomorrow, Bring it on and make it real. I'm drowning in sweet forgiveness, Come on baby turn my life, yeah. Alice Smith, New Religion
Well, not really. But I am furthering my journey along a path I've considered traveling for a while now. Mrs. Cook, my sixth grade grade teacher, introduced me to meditation. I don't know why it appealed to me then, but it did. Meditation is one of things that makes sense to me, even though I don't completely understand it.
My religious experience consists of being raised in a Baptist family while attending Catholic school. Therefore, I know how to sit for a long time and say lots of prayers. I can say most of those prayers in Spanish (Jesus is multilingual, are you?). My second grade teacher told us non-Catholics we might be going to hell because we weren't Catholic. To compensate for what could possibly be eternal damnation, I would practically wash my face in holy water each week before and after mass. I confessed. I said the rosary. Once, one of my friends let me sub for her as an altar girl. I loved to ring the bells. If going to church was crack, I then just call me Pooky. "God be call'n me, he be call'n me!" I went to Mass once a week at school, some Saturdays, and then off to Baptist church on Sundays. I was in the children's choir, children's usher board, and secretary for children's Sunday School. I was in every group there was. I figured if Catholics had the sure ticket to heaven, then going to two churches instead of just one was bound to get me extra credit. Gold star for Beckie!
I converted to Catholicism to marry my X and raise our kids in his family parish (which no longer exists). Now that I'm divorced (sans annulment), I'm technically a pariah. That would be a problem if I cared. I don't. Religion is a Google map, as far as I'm concerned. It's a route that can but sometimes doesn't get you to where you think you want to be.
At this point in my life, church (any) isn't working for me. I find I connect with God more easily and more meaningfully when I meditate. That's my church. That, reading (Tolle, Holmes, and Rinpoche), community service and Joel. Trying to find a new church home is hard work. I dare anybody to try it. Better yet, try as a single person, then go with your family. See if there is a difference. It flat out sucks. No church is as welcoming as it thinks it is; some churches flat out don't want new members. This has been my experience with christian churches, non-denominational (by definition is denominational), Baptist, and Catholic.
But I've never been one to care too much what people think. If I like the feeling I get going to a church, I'll go as long as I like how I feel. But in recent years, I've only gone because I feel like I'm supposed to, to give the kids the experience. And frankly, that's not enough. The fact that I'm a Christian mutt only benefits me when it comes to game show trivia. My kids also feel and see the disconnect between new members and old ones. It's not a fun experience for them. And I'm kinda over the whole perfect attendance at church thing. I'm not knocking folks who go to church; please don't read any sarcasm in what I'm saying. In fact, I like and admire that. But it doesn't work for me. Spiritually, it just doesn't work.
What has been working for me is meditation. For years, I've practiced alone. Only child syndrome...introvert...I find people exhausting. Meditating helps me remember myself. It helps me relax out of the anxiety I feel when I'm encountering the world. I trust myself and my intuition more. Mediation gave me the strength to ask my X for a divorce. Meditation helps me to chart a course of action for myself and my family. But...meditating alone is a real challenge. And it brings up issues that I don't know what to do with. So now I've started to attend a meditation group. And so far, it's going well. And by so far, I mean two sessions. But I know enough about meditation and the community that potentially comes along with it to know that I like this one. Although it is based in a Buddhist tradition, being a Buddhist is not a requirement. Nor is it an expectation. Meditation is truly a non-denominational practice. This group seems to embrace that concept.
I see myself working on pulling together things I used to think were incongruous, fractured or just not acceptable. Things appealed to me at different times in my life and I didn't know why. But now they seem to come together; vegetarianism, yoga, meditation, my disdain for litter, instrumentals. Peaceful habits of sentient beings. I don't know where this is going to take me; but I'm looking forward to this ride. This year I want answers--no more questions. I'm tired of waiting. Let's go.
I didn't do much journaling much in the 90's. I was too busy trying to get my Diane Keaton on. Fortunately for me, God watches over fools and babies...back then I was both. Considering some of my escapades, I should be thankful there is no written evidence of my behavior. But truth be told, I wouldn't change any of it.
I graduated from college in four years; 1990. I got a job right out of college. I was living on my own, and you couldn't tell me anything. I was making a whopping $20,000 a year! I was hot! I bought a car worth almost twice my annual salary, I had a my own apartment and a college degree. Most of my friends were still in school, or out of school trying to figure things out. The next thing I did after securing my place as a debtholder, was to get a tattoo. Mind you, the early 90's was about grunge and house music. Bubble tape and string cheese. Overalls and spiral perms. Tattoos were not yet mainstream. A car, tattoos, money, free will? All I needed was a dog and a motorcycle, and that was it for me.
Most Sundays, my friend would come over for breakfast. We would recap the previous night's events and/or victims in full detail. One particular day, she glanced at the paper and noticed the Classifieds...the dating section. (Do they still have this in newspapers?)I guess that was today's version of online dating. We saw it as another opportunity to recruit more volunteers. Game FN on. The first person I contacted from the classifieds is still a good friend to this day. The rest? Well, those may have to be future postings. Dirty Socks, Roaches and Me, and the Al the Tiniest Pianist sound like good blog titles, yes?
Anyhoo, today's post is really not about any of that.
Sixteen years ago I somehow, unbelieveably (even to this day) got pregnant. I SO did not want kids. I told everyone this. A dog and a bike. That's it. No kids. That's my plan. I had never even changed a diaper at that point in my life. I was 24 and having fun. I was thinking about moving to Atlanta (with practically every other person I knew). I didn't consider myself the white-house-with-a-picket-fence-type of girl. I was not the type to do something like wind up unmarried and with child. It took half an hour to convince my mother I wasn't joking when I told her.
I was very disconnected from the thought of being pregnant. I just couldn't get my head wrapped around the idea that I was going to be a parent. To me, it was like if a man said he was pregnant ( mind you this is 1993, not 2008), After she was born, I asked the nurse if I could get some food because I was hungry. I had been in labor for 2 days and couldn't eat. She asked me if I wanted to hold my baby. I said sure, but how long on the food? Honestly, it took about 2 years before I finally came to terms with being a mother. Two years. I wasn't a bad mother initially, I just couldn't figure out what this baby was doing here. I didn't want a roommate, I wanted a dog! I went to the Cleveland Indians game at the then-new Jacobs Field for her second birthday; we won over the Seattle Mariners, 4 to 1. Why waste money throwing a big party for a baby? She wasn't going to remember it.
What I didn't know then was that being her mother was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Knowing my daughter and being able to watch her grow into a beautiful, funny, intelligent young lady who doesn't have a clue how amazing and messy she is, has been my honor. She was an easy baby. Slept all night. Ate everything. Even potty training was easy. She was a good baby. When she was two she told me that before she was bored (her word), she looked down from heaven and said to the angel she wanted me for her mother.
After I mopped up the snot and tears, I couldn't help but think this kid is crazy! But I'm so glad she did pick me. She gave me love and a purpose that was better and greater than anything I could have wanted or ever hoped for.
On this sixteenth birthday, I couldn't be prouder or happier to be chosen as her mom!
I have found another natural foods market nearby. It's called Seven Grains, and it's not far from where I live. I'm excited about this because they sell antibiotic-free, hormone-free, grass-fed meats! Didn't I just ask this of the universe?
They are also a distributor of Field Roast Grain Meat products. The little one doesn't know it yet, but he's about to go "veg" too! Actually, I consider him and my daughter true meat-lovers. Both of them always ate all the meat on their plates. My daughter admits she sometimes gets cravings, but she doesn't cheat...I have to give her credit. But I really don't like meat; it's too, well, fleshy! I'm happy to give it up. I'm am concerned about too much fake meat though. I'm not sure how tasty it is. I've found a few homemade options I plan on trying, with beans.
I'm going to cook up the remaining meat I have, and make a serious effort not to buy meat or meat-related products anymore. My daughter's birthday is next week. We're having a small family gathering and I'm making a vegetarian dish...which one I haven't decided. This will be good practice because I know I'll have to start making dishes for holiday get-togethers that my daughter and I will be able to eat.
On another note, a good friend of mine is celebrating, observing, honoring Ramadan. She's catholic, but her sweetie is Muslim. Isn't that awesome? She's the bomb; I'm sure he knows. I know very little about Islam, but to me, it sounds like Lent, in practice and in purpose. Anyway, from what I have learned from my buddy Badr, I think I'm going to give fasting a shot.
The sunrise/sunset I'm following is here. For me, this isn't about becoming Muslim, it's more about getting my mind, my soul, and my actions to align. My mental image of who I am is very different than my behavior in alot of ways; I need for that disparity to disappear. And again, the bar is just hovering above the ground on this one. I'm not going for 100% every single day. But I am going to do the best I can with what I have to make the most of this experience. We'll see what comes of it.
(Badr's text is in black. My comments are in green.)
Turn off you TV. For this whole month.
Now that Saving Grace is over for the season, and True Blood, Mad Men, Monk, and Psych will soon end, I can turn off my TV most days. I cancelled Showtime, even though it pains me to not watch Dexter. I don’t get premium channels or DVR on my bedroom TV anymore, and I really don’t watch much TV in there anyway. I’d rather read or work on the computer or sleep. I keep saying my ultimate goal is to cancel cable altogether, but I’m afraid my kids will launch a revolt.
Reduce the use of cell phones.
I’d be happier if I didn’t have one period. I only use it for my kids, and the occasional random person call. I don’t like being that connected. But I also don’t like being limited by minutes or texts or any of that. Most of the time it’s at the bottom of my purse, so I tend to miss calls. It’s easier to call me at work or at home.
In fact, I’d like it if my cell phone wasn’t a phone at all. Talking on it is the last thing I do with it! I use it for RSS, calendar, notes, web, text, camera, and if I hold it under the light in the right way, a mirror!
Be informed and learn about the issues in our environment, and know your options.
I would like to attend a discussion on health care reform. I know where the big pieces sort of fit in this picture, but I would like to hear a more practical implementation strategy at the local level.
Eat more greens and whole, unprocessed foods, fruits and vegetables.
There is always romaine in my fridge. I love salads. Usually spinach too. I do my best to shop the “outside” of the grocery store. Actually, there’s a great local market down the street from me, Krieger’s. I buy almost all my produce there. They have a nice supply of vegan/vegetarian items as well. I’ve made fruit salads a couple of times, but we didn’t really eat much of it. Dunno why…it was tasty.
Eat meat, eggs and dairy from grass-fed animals.
I'm transitioning to a meatless diet. Once upon a time, I was a vegetarian, but that was a while ago. I'm really not a big meat eater. Most meals don't have meat or much of it. My daughter has been a veghead for almost two years. My son however, probably bleeds bacon grease. Well, it's really f-acon (turkey bacon), also known as edible paper IMO.
Shop for meats guaranteed to come from animals that have not been given any hormones or antibiotics.
I know Krieger’s buys from local vendors, but I’m not sure where they stand with organic/free range/grassfed meats.
Shop local food and produce, go to the farmers market.
I’m going to a farmer’s market this weekend!
I’m also trying to break up with Wal.M.art. I live right across the street from one, so it’s really hard not to go there when I need poster board or milk at 8:00 at night. I comparison shop and I know for many of the taxable items I buy, they have the lowest prices. I try to use my membership at a local wholesale club (which is not owned by Wally), but sometimes it just can’t be avoided. When you have other people to take care of, convenience becomes a commodity. My time is money!
Make your food colorful and attractive.
I’m not a bad cook. I’m still learning new, healthier and creative ways to prepare meals, and I definitely like it when my friends and family compliment me on a meal.
Read labels carefully. If you don’t understand it, don’t buy it.
Check!
Eat slowly and chew your food.
Duh.
Buy less food this month.
Not possible with the boy in the house.
Avoid all sugar products.
Working on it. Iced tea is a fav. There are a lot of Stevia-ia products out there, Truvia, etc. Don’t think they are budget friendly.
Avoid all refined carbohydrates.
I found a blog on making your own hamburger buns. Seems pretty easy and straight forward..gonna try that this month too. (I'll add the link when I find it!)
I don’t buy sliced bread anymore. I’m trying to get into making wraps, but I haven’t completely transitioned. Right now, the kids get school lunches (gasp). I just can’t beat the convenience factor. I hate making lunches. That’s so lazy, but I do.
Avoid all refined sweeteners, such as sugar, dextrose, glucose, high fructose corn syrup and fruit juices.
I cut all that out a while ago. I don’t buy any juice at all except orange juice.
Avoid all hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated fats and oils.
Check!
Avoid all refined liquid vegetable oils made from soy, corn, safflower, canola or cottonseed, and all processed oils and hydrogenated oils.
Check!
Avoid all fried food.
Most of the time. The boy likes my fried chicken, so once or twice a month I cook it for him. Once in a while, I will fry potatoes (greasy yummy heaven), but that’s it! I have a stovetop grill, a toaster oven
Avoid drinking the poison called SODA pop.
Even though I have a case a pop and drank one yesterday, I don’t really like it. I only buy it for gatherings, but from now on, I quit!
Stop using microwaves. I use it less frequently. I never prepare meat or defrost anything in it. Most of the time we use the toaster oven when we can. I also hate those microwave lunches/meals! Even though those are uber-convenient, I don’t like the taste or the way the foods look. The only micromeal I do like are the Tabatchnick soups. The Balsamic Tomato & Rice Soup is yummy!
Car pool to work or take the bus.
I would love to take the bus. But there are no routes from my apartment to my job. Even though I work only 9 miles away, there is no safe bike path either. I would have to cross over a highway on a narrow shoulder, so that ain’t happen! Someone might think I look like Michelle Obama from the back and try to run me down!
Stop smoking.
Don’t smoke anyway! Check!
Avoid using make-up, it causes skin cancer and many other skin problems.
Hmm, Badr. Make-up causes cancer? That’s a first. I usually wear mascara, powder and lip gloss. That’s not so much. On the weekends, I usually don’t bother. I like to play with make-up; it’s fun to put on, but I don’t like wearing too much because I touch my face a lot and end up with smudges everywhere.
Walk at least 20 minutes everyday.
I really need to do this. Really really do.
Give something every day of this month, an advice, a smile, a gift, listen to someone...
I think I do this anyway. Some days I think I do too much of it. But I guess it comes with the territory. Besides, it could be worse. I recall someone once telling me what it was like to go through the day without any physical contact from another person. No acknowledgment of his existence, except as a fleeting customer or bus passenger. He had no one who cared about him or depended on him for anything. I think about that when I think of my parents, who each live alone and each have significant health issues. Days when I think I can’t bear to have a conversation about mundane activities like what I made for dinner or what the kids are up to, I realize for my folks, these accounts are the highlights of their days. I get and give hugs and kisses every day. That’s a beautiful thing. I do my best to share it, even if it is over the phone.
Volunteer work.
I’ve been checking out a few places, but I haven’t done much more than that. I’d like to volunteer at a retirement community, but I don’t really know where one is down here.
Plant a tree or a small garden.
Since my last attempt at gardening failed miserably, I think I will try container gardening. One day.
Recycle and buy recycled paper products.
I stopped buying paper towels a year ago. The kids thought it was weird, but now they’re used to it. I use washable rags instead. When they get gross, I throw them out! Simple!
I carry big purses, so if I’m running errands, I tell the cashier I don’t need a bag. Or I’ll grab the trendy grocery bags from the trunk of my car. It’s much easier to carry them up and down the stairs.
Think positive thoughts and practice forgiveness.
Check! The last few weeks I’ve rekindled my relationship with my father. I love him and missed him dearly. But forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. We won’t have the type of relationship I’d like, but it will be a functional one. I think he also now understands that I have boundaries that cannot be crossed.I’m hoping for the best, and recognizing my own weaknesses in this process.
You post five things about yourself. Four are true.One is untrue. All are so outlandish, implausible or ridiculous that no one would be inclined to believe that any of them are true. And despite the pleas from your readers, you never divulge which ones are true and which one is false.
I shoplifted my way through college.
I started driving at 12 years old.
I used to hitchhike.
As a youngster, I spat on people I didn't like.
I was once arrested.
Umm, ok. So, I don't know how you "tag" someone through a blog, so...yeah, um, that's it!
Green Ramadan is my friend on Facebook. Green is actually Badr Bakry (I think it's ironic his last name looks like bakery), author of Cleanse Your Life Now. His website describes him as a Mind-Body wellness practitioner, holistic nutrition specialist, international speaker and life coach. Job titles like life coach and mor.tga.ge bro.ker tend to turn me off, but his postings are just too much common sense to turn away.
I've included several postings here today because I want to be able to quickly refer to them when the lure of sugar starts gnawing at me (or me gnawing at it). I've heard all this stuff before, years of knowing better but too lazy to do better. There's no reason I can't be the healthiest I can be. I want that for my kids. Which ultimately means I have to be the model for them.Too much pwesha!!
So to that end, I'll be exploring sugar substitutes, listing foods and beverages I'm reducing to zero consumption. By the end of the month, I'll post where I am in this process. Since I'm allergic to follow-through, I'm setting the bar really low for myself. I'll be happy if I end the month will a suitable substitute for sweetening iced tea. I'll tackle caffeine in another month.
Wish me luck!
From Green Ramadan:
"Natural Sugar Alternatives: Raw honey & Stevia. Stevia is an herb native to South America, is now grown and cultivated throughout the world. Stevia is much sweeter than sugar but does not affect blood sugar levels, can be used for sweetening beve...rages and for baking. Stevia is easily digested, dissolves quickly and it is safe for diabetics. It has no calories or carbohydrates. 95% of people are addicted to sugar to some degree! Refined sugar is a pure chemical. In my opinion, it is like heroin, and even more of a threat because it’s legal and cheap. It’s a chemical that has been stripped through the refining process of all... the natural food nutrition that originally resided in the plant. Heroin and sugar are produced by very similar processes.
Refined sugar has absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. It also robs the body of enzymes, minerals and vitamins, especially B-vitamins. Symptoms of B-vitamin deficiency include: fatigue, depression, anxiety, inability to concentrate, poor memory, insomnia and irregular heart beat."
PaperBack Swap - Best swap site IMO. Although you won't find everything you want here, the set up is nice and easy to use. No pressure to do more than you want; they don't clog up you're email with useless messages. The best thing is how easy it is to print the wrapping. PBS really helps you contain the mailing costs for books.
Swap Tree Book Mooch - This site is international. You can't buy credits like you can on PBS.
I don't bother with the sites that charge a swap fee. And I don't do the exclusive academic swaps either. I've been able to find a decent selection of texts from PBS.
I've been reading some great blogs on dating. Well, maybe they're really more about living single. Dating (or not dating) would be a subset (eww, I'm at work, so I'm thinking statistically). Here are some links to blogs worth reading:
47 and starting over - Responds to the question, is it possible to still find that "happily ever after?"
Single & Blessed - Discusses dating, parenting & living single Thunder From A Quiet Storm - Talks about building trust and how it's manifested in relationships with children
One of the things I enjoy about blogging is reading about life from a variety of perspectives. Age, gender, and ethnicity all vary, but the universal connection of love (not in the romantic sense, but in the life giving sense) is what I think speaks to me. I learn alot about myself reading other people's blogs. I think it's helping me make sense of the world I've created in my head. I feel more confident when I make decisions on how I "feel" about something, which for me, is a combination of logic and emotion. When I think about bad/poor decisions I've made in the past about relationships and men, those choices usually came from either logic OR emotion. For me, an effective decision has to include both arenas. And not just about men, but about anything.
I'm learning I don't have to answer to anyone else's standard of living. But I do have to answer to mine. Thanks bloggers for giving me fuel to feed my thoughts and figure out my path.
I must have watched this video at least 10 times when it first crossed my path. Every now and then, I check it out because I just love their commitment and enthusiasm to what has to be the weirdest mash-up gospel song ever.
You Tuber, edearnest, posted this update back in February 2009:
I wrote this as a post on 43 Things.I'm featuring it here because I really like the way it reads. I had to re-read it several times just to make sure I actually wrote it.I kept thinking, did I write that? I'm impressed with myself..good stuff kid-o!I'll comment on the content of this entry smuthertime!
12 months ago - July 2008
So far so good! Although I’ve tried this before, I’ve never really stuck to it. I think it’s because I really didn’t want to accept that I would have to or need to do such a thing. My occasional weekend wine sipping somehow turned into a nightly ritual. I would have anywhere from 2 to 4 glasses. Weekends I could spend the whole afternoon sipping on a glass.
Why did I not think this was a big deal at first? Because everybody does that, right? What else is there to do when you’re home doing chores, preparing meals and coordinating this, that and the other? Besides, a glass of wine (or 3) would relieve my headache/boredom/nerves.
So this time, I’m all about right now. Right now, I’m 2 days sober, working on 3. My dog has helped me understand the zen-inspired philosophy of being in the now. It’s amazing the difference. And yes, I recognize it after just 2 days.
I feel physical discomfort from not drinking daily. My stomach is in knots, I can’t eat anything and I still have a headache. But that will go away (please God) after a while. I take comfort in knowing that my kids don’t see Mom with yet another glass of wine in her hand, I have some stamina to exercise in the form or twice daily walks with my dog, and I go to bed much earlier.
To sum it all up, if you want to slow up or stop drinking altogether, I can share with you 4 things that have worked for me. One, tell someone. It doesn’t have to be someone close to you. Even better. Tell someone who is not dependent on you for anything. That way, they are totally objective about it. Me…well, I’m telling you. Second, turn off the tv, or whatever it is that keeps you from getting off the couch or out of the bed. This leads to the third activity; exercise. Don’t waste money on a gym if that’s your excuse. Just walk. You don’t even have to walk quickly. Just get outside and walk somewhere. Can’t go to far from home? Walk a short distance twice, three times in a row. Just move your body. You’ve got to replace your drinking time with something to keep your body occupied.
Finally, the last best thing you can do for yourself is to get a pet. I happen to think dogs are awesome as a sobriety tool because you have to take the dog out, you have to wake up in the morning, you have to train your dog to behave in the house. However, if you’re not a pet person, don’t bother. You either are one or not. Don’t suffer the pet for your cures.
