...but that's what I was thinking.

I know I'm not the only one who has mental arguments with people. Everybody does. But one thing that may be a bit troubling about me is that my arguments usually involve people I don't know. Random strangers. In fact, I could be having an argument with you right now. But you would never know, cuz I'd never let you in on it. So take that! I win so'more!

Today's cerebral bruhaha happened this morning in the new gym I recently joined. I won't mention it here because they have a sucky website, and I don't link to sucky sites. They also have a, umm...shall we say, different approach to exercise and motivation. Think back to the crazy militant gym physical education teacher you had in grade school. Ok, then, remember how teams where chosen? All the fast and popular kids first? Now, you're getting the idea...


So, we're working out in our groups; I'll call the top group, Superfast, the middle group, Average Janes, and the bottom group, the YouCanDoIts. So, the drill instructor/trainer calls Superfast and Average Janes to line up at their stations. This being my second day, I'm waiting with the rest of the newbies for Ms. Balbriker to tell the YouCanDoIts to go to their station. Someone from Superfast (I hope you're saying this the way Mary Katherine Gallagher would say it) pipes up, "What are you guys waiting for?"

Sideye, beyotch, I got this!

So as I'm going to the loser section, Ms. B tells me to join the Average Janes. Clearly, she noticed my ninja-like moves on my first day. And so begins the gruesome torture exercise.


We step-lift our way around and around in three groups; you can smell fat-burning going on. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a Superfast walking around idly like she's the equivalent of Allen Iverson (practice? I don't need no stinking practice!). Ms. B gently admonishes yells for her to get moving and stop wasting time. Eventually Iverson rejoins the group, but she isn't quite working at the regular Superfast pace. This butt-dragging, I-can't-be-so-bothered *ish goes on for a while...and when I say a while, I mean all of about 2 minutes and then...

Balbriker benches Iverson! In my mind, that is. Actually Ms. B sent Iverson to the Average Janes. I think there was some trash talk, or eye rolling, cuz it took a minute for Iverson to get herself together. I couldn't tell because my heart was trying to escape from my body. Now I gotta deal with a pissed off AI and keep my ribs from exploding all over my step. Not to mention I have COUNT. OUT LOUD. IN ORDER.

As I've mentioned, this is my second day. I'm still a bit overwhelmed that I paid money for this shit as I attempt to follow the choreography. One misstep could cause a sweaty musty chain reaction, which could leave you screaming out the door for a Purell shower. But what's this? Is AI trying to punk me? Is she trying to look like this is so easy she can barely break a sweat? I feel like my swagger is in jeopardy...what to do?

She starts moving closer behind me like I'm moving too slow for her...

Aww sooky, we past the sideye now! It's on!!!!!

And suddenly, as if Jesus stuck his foot out, AI trips as we go around to the left! Our eyes meet; she knows I know she almost busted 'dat ass! Now she gotta save face, so I know she's coming for me when we switch to the right...

bah-ring. it. bitch!

Calling on my latent ninja training, I am able to recharge immediately by remembering all the times I was called on last for dodge ball and Red Rover (stupid fuckin' games! Who invented that shit?)

My reflexes kick in and I make my steps wider and higher and faster like Jamie Sommers.
Besides, I hate when people stand directly behind me..it creeps me out.

New set...LEFT!

Uh oh, my turn! I heard ya calling me AI, now I'm coming! I got the rhythm down (I think) and I'm hauling ass across the steps. Come creeping up on me? Yeah? I don't think so...how's that? I'm right behind you AND I'm simultaneously counting! HA!

New set...RIGHT!

AI is trying to play like she doesn't know what's going on between us, but I know that she knows. Just because she looks completely ambivalent to the mental battle between us; it's really just a ploy to make me simmer down. But I won't have it! I will triumph!

New set...LEFT!

Ninja skills are weakening...apparently there is a lift under the floor that makes the steps higher as you go (very clever you heartless bastards), but I'm not done yet...

The mental warfare quickens as I imagine her saying to her Superfast buddies after class...

AI: "Yeah, I couldn't really get a good workout on over there in the MomJeans group."

Me: "Bullshit!"

AI: "Wha the..who said.."

Me: "Yeah, I said it."

AI: (Gives me the WTF look), then says, "f*ck you!"

Me: "Well, you can f*ck my fat ass if you want to, but if I were you, I'd wait a few more weeks!"

Superfast, AverageJanes, YouCanDoIts all fall on the floor laughing.

Me: Winks at AI and walks out the door.

Now, that didn't really happen, but that's what I was thinking!