My Name is What? My Name is Who?

So, I’ve spent the last few years of my life trying to re-create a sense of family or community for myself. It has not worked out as well as I would like. Since the divorce, I have felt untethered, sort of haphazard  toward those around me. I feel awkward. And not in a geeky, hipster (if those two words together make any sense), but in a misanthropic, apathetic way.

I have also been thinking about my death and what that will mean to those I leave behind. Let me be clear, I’m happy being alive. I would like to continue being alive for a long time. That said, at some time we are all going to die. And don’t want my life to be misrepresented by inaccurate, incomplete, stunted relationships. In other words, those who are left around me (if there are any), will have known me well enough to represent for me who I was. I worry that I share so little of myself with so few people, that when that event comes to pass, “I” won’t be there. The soror will be there, the ex-whatever will be there, the christian will be there, but none of those people are me.

So now, the question is, who will be there? And how can I make sure she shows up?

I know the daughter will be there. I am the daughter of the most amazing woman in the world. I am the granddaughter of the best grandfather a girl could have. I wished I would have recognized that sooner. And while I no longer have a relationship with my father, I did love him and I did what I could to help him love himself. I'm a good friend to those I care about. If you do me wrong, you're done. No do-overs, no mulligans. Toast. Which will probably means you won't be at my funeral anyway. And oh yeah, I rock hard as a mother.

So when one is confronted with this type of identify crisis, it is commonplace to wonder what all this means on Facebook. When I broke up with FB over a year ago, one of my reasons was that too many people I had little to no interaction with in any other way were my “friends”. I found this creepy and yet I would concern myself with their status updates like any other FB stalker. I mean, that IS what it’s for, right? When I decided to open another account, initially I was only using it for entertainment, news and shopping. Many businesses and organizations offer discounts, recipes, knitting patterns, etc via FB. But eventually I realized there really isn’t a more convenient way to share photos and stay updated with my “real-life” friends and family. So I added a handful of people I care about. But I still worried about FB bloat. I’d already made my page as private as I could; I even blocked certain friends from seeing some of the features. I’ve since even learned to remove annoying updates (which include but are not limited to messages directed toward Jesus and no one on FB or whatever you ate for lunch ) from my newsfeed. But my biggest worry is that someone who thinks they knew me from a previous life could FB find me. I don’t want to have to deny a friend request because I don’t want you all up in my feed. You don't know what you're getting into.

Most of my acquaintances don’t know my name is Beckie.They wouldn't necessarily recognize that as what I'm called. But my last name is fairly unique; so I felt I needed a quick-fast remedy.

I brainstormed a list of possible FB last names. Here we go:

Beckie Dontburnnochic
Beckie Roxursox
Beckie Dontcry
Beckie Rockstar
Beckie Risenshine
Beckie Breakitdown
Beckie Fangbanger
Beckie Allupinit
Beckie Weighsaton
Beckie O’Grindn
Beckie Sontheball
Beckie House
Beckie Beckie Beckie
Beckie Saysso
Beckie T5BP
 Beckie Sonherown
Beckie Datswhussup
Beckie Onaroll
Beckie Boogiesdown
Beckie Runswbigdawgs
Beckie Knowsthedeal
Beckie Dontbuyit
Beckie Savestheworld
Beckie Isonfb
Beckie Isthesause
Beckie Onblast
Beckie Blowurmind
Beckie Tinks
Beckie Bustacap
Beckie Supahot
Beckie Balln
Beckie Makeitwork
Beckie O. Beckie
Beckie Isonfire
Beckie Twopointo
Beckie Weckie

I'm going to start with the first one.

 I saw this here and thought it would be fun to do. The directions say to "Bold the things you've done, italicize the things you want to do." My font doesn't bold, so the things I've accomplished are in red.

1. Started my own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band - I used to play piano for my church's youth choir, but we had no other musicians.

4. Visited Hawaii - I can't honestly that's a goal for me, although I do love to travel.

5. Watched a meteor shower - Nope.

6. Given more than I can afford to charity- It's happened twice. Once was an oversight on my part.

7. Been to Disneyland/world - My cousin took my kids two years ago. Now that Hogwarts is there, I want to go.

8. Climbed a mountain - I've climbed synthetic walls, which I choose to count as a mountain, since I don't particularly want to climb a real one.

9. Held a praying mantis - Why? Why would anyone want to do this?

10. Sung a solo - I've sung on stage many times as part of a choral group, but never a solo. What does that mean?

11. Bungee jumped- NEVER!

12. Visited Paris - I would love to!

13. Watched lightning at sea - Hmm, this must be interesting to watch. I'll have to look into it.

14. Taught myself an art from scratch - Calligraphy, origami, web design (way back in the late 1990's)

15. Adopted a child - My parents tried once. His name was Adam and he was featured on a local news program. Another family got through first. I thought I would when I became an adult, but now that my youngest is 14, I don't think this will happen.

16. Had food poisoning - Related to #46

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - The time I went to NYC, the statue was closed for major restoration.

18. Grown my own vegetables - They turned out to be horrible looking, stumpy baby carrots. I don't think I even ate one.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - There is so much other art that I find more interesting than that one at the Louvre, but I suppose it's required viewing if you're there.

20. Slept on an overnight train - I would love to train travel cross-country.

21. Had a pillow fight - Many, many times.

22. Hitchhiked - Was a great way to get around in a small college town. Too bad the world is too scary now.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill- I've done this way too many times.

24. Built a snow fort - I grew up in Cleveland. 'Nuff said.

25. Held a lamb - I guess this would be a moment.

26. Gone skinny dipping - I'm in!

27. Run a Marathon - I'm in training. In my mind.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - Does Vegas count?

29. Seen a total eclipse - I saw one once; would like to do it again.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - See above.

31. Hit a home run - In the park home run. But that was only because the fielders sucked more than me.

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - Several times. Apparently most of it is gone now?

34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors - Blacksburg, VA. We've gone back as far as my grandfather's grandfather.

35. Seen an Amish community - No big whup, but I'm in Ohio, so I've been there dozens of times.

36. Taught myself a new language - This is on my list. I want to learn an authentic African language.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing - see mountain response

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance - Related to #16

47. Had my portrait painted - A street artist drew my profile in charcoal when my locs were pretty long. I still have it.

48. Gone deep sea fishing - I've gone deep lake fishing. That's good enough for me.

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person - Whoever wrote this list, sure loves the renaissance!

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain - Overrrated.

53. Played in the mud - Me, Tangie and Kelli made mud pies, mud castles, and mud houses all the time!

54. Gone to a drive-in theater - My parents used to dress me in my PJ's and a blanket. I loved falling asleep in the back seat of our '68 Chevy Impala! Vinyl was never so comfy as it was back then!

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason - Trust me, there's always a reason.

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - Almost. I was in Vienna for a week, but we ran out of time.

67. Bounced a check - A...as in one? Then the answer is a no. (big eyes)

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - I still have my baseball card collection!

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square - It's pretty dirty!

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job 

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car - And I never will again. Dumbest.move.ever.

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had my picture in the newspaper - LOL! The Call & Post, local entertainment section. Who's who partying in Cleveland!

85. Read the entire Bible - I've read parts of practically every chapter. I'm done.

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - Both my grandmothers raised and plucked chickens. As much chicken as I eat, I feel like I should experience this.

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life - Not that I know of.

90. Sat on a jury - Was called in, but not selected.

91. Met someone famous - Jesse Jackson, Dr. J, Veronica Hamel, Dr. Alvin Poissaint, Clarke Kellogg, Naomi Tutu. But the best one ever was Betty Williams. She was the first white person I ever heard speak passionately about how MLK inspired her to take action. She is so courageous. I was so moved by her experience. And she can curse like a sailor!

92. Joined a book club - I confess.

93. Lost a loved one 

94. Had a baby - Two. And they're on sale now.

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake - I've waded in Lake Erie. That's good enough.

97. Been involved in a law suit - Divorce is a law suit.

98. Owned a cell phone - And I wish I didn't. I hate cell phones. I hate all phones.

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Ridden an elephant - When I was a kid at the circus. I used to have the photo, but now it's lost.

Beckie likes her name. And doesn't.

"Do you like your name?"
This was a writing post prompt from NaBloPoMo for June 29th. It's something I've been thinking about for some time and thought I'd take the time to blog about it. I have many names. By names, I mean names people call me. I can't call them nicknames because they aren't; the names I am called are derivations of my real name. I think nicknames are attributes randomly used to address someone. Calling a Joseph, Joe, for example, is not my definition of a nickname.

I don't like my first name.
I have a first name that I was never called by until high school. I went to a catholic all girls school. The nuns insisted I be referred to by my given, christian name. I was ok with that part, but what I didn't like was that people would automatically shorten it from the full (and apparently exhausting 3 syllables it takes to say it), Valerie to a one syllable sound Val, that I find mildly irritating. I was not ok with that. But at the time, I didn't think too much about it, because most of the girls still called me by the name they heard my grade school friends call me. But once I got to college, Val took on a life of it's own. Even some of my oldest friends started calling me Val, because they said, "everybody else is calling me that." (insert Tiffany Greene face here)

The second reason I don't like being called Val is that is what my dad is called. It's his name, not mine. But again, it's the shortened version. His first name is Valmore. And he's a junior, which means at one time, there were two black men named Valmore. As I've come to understand it, my paternal grandmother (whom I never had the chance to meet) worked for a German Jewish family in West Virginia. She was their cook, their maid, their nanny etc. She told my father that she named him after the family patriarch, hoping her employer's good fortune would rub off onto her son. Ironically, he spent most of his youth being referred to as Junior, not Val. Don't get me wrong; I love that I'm named after my dad (so glad I'm a girl though), and being that I'm 42 years old now I should be used to it, but I'm not. I bristle just the slightest bit when I hear Val in reference to me. And I hear it alot. Everyday. Even my kids don't get it. I would love to tell people to stop calling me that, but telling people to start using a different first name is quite awkward, and I'm awkward enough as it is. Especially at work. Especially with folks who aren't all that geeked about calling you anything in the first place.  I never sign my name Val, I never introduce myself as Val, and still no one has caught on.


I do like my middle name. I wish it were my first name.
Obviously it's Rebecca. Absolutely NO ONE calls me Rebecca. Again, there must be some sort of mental block people have against pronouncing 3-syllable names. I was named for my father's mother. Everyone called her Beckie, so that is what my parents called me.That's what everyone called me. So on the first day of kindergarten (which I do remember), Miss Manski asked if Valerie S. was in attendance. I didn't know who she was, but I did know B came before V (I was very bright) as she should have called me first. After much debate, tears and my mother's embarrassment that I didn't know my name (she never told me, although she claims she did), I gave in to this silly idea that the name Valerie had to come before Rebecca even though Valerie was never used before then. I once sent Christmas cards to my extended family the year I got my first apartment. The family gathering that following Easter, my aunt asks, does anyone know who Valerie is? I got a Xmas card from some woman claiming to be my niece!"

I used to get teased for being called Beckie. "I never met a black girl named Beckie before...is that really your  name?" When I would explain it was really my middle name I would hear, "Oh, so you just trying to be special by using your middle name!" (See face above) Umm, not really and umm, so what? Sorry if you want to call me Shanenee or Sadika, but that just isn't my name. Am I less black because of it? Seriously? Fuck what Sir Mixalot's Baby Got Back says. Surprisingly most folks who said stuff like that, had a "white-like" name themselves, whatever that is. Really.not.my.issue.

A handful, more like a sprinkling or a pinch full of folks call be Becca. I like that name-lette too, but I don't call myself that. I stick with what I know. What my Mama taught me (inspite of what she claims). What my paternal grandmother was called while she cleaned houses for a living. What my dad named me in honor of her.

P.S. And it's with an -i-e, not a -y! 

Lists Are Sexy!

Minus The Bars gets the One Hot Sexy Lister Award (that I have yet to create)!
He had me at Prince!

T-shirt Tuesday.

I'm not endorsing or affiliated with this company in any way. I just love their t-shirts.

Time for a quote

“Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.” --Don Delillo

The quote above came from one of my favorite blogs, The Words I Type. I swear Ms. Kia writes the thoughts that are in my head.


Cheers!

SUPER SCARVES

SUPER SCARVES

I am addicted to knitting. I knit every single day. The problem is I have yet to finish something. Wait, that's not completely true. I made a couple of dishrags. I made a baby cap and booties too. The booties don't match and will only fit on a giant one-footed baby, but the cap is cute. Right now, I'm knitting a blanket. I keep adding stitches where I shouldn't and have twice dropped it and lost stitches. Nevertheless, I persevere because I'm addicted. I can't stop knitting. I come home from work and knit the rest of the night. Dinners have been boring since I've started knitting. I want to knit all the time. Even when I'm tired of knitting, I still keep knitting. Which is probably the reason I keep messing up. I'm ODing on knitting. Is there a rehab for knitters?

As with all things novel and shiny, I suppose I will grow tired of knitting. It happened with furniture refinishing, locs, painting, reading, crocheting, golf, running, baking etc. I just hope I can actually finish something nice this time!

http://www.ravelry.com/people/BeckieKnitz